I had horrible dreams yesterday night.

They weren’t horrible because anything really disgusting or horrific happened in them.

They were horrible because I was so helpless in them.

The first part of my dream involved me taking an exam. Yeah, I know, lame dream. But I was crying in the dream. I was crying and hugging my Totoro plushie to my chest while every person in the room stared at me. Stared at me like I was some sort of hideous green alien from Mars who had three heads and sixteen eyes and slimy tentacles. Stared at me the way all of my most hated classmates stared at me all day every day because I was that weird to them, the stupid small-town jerks. But the worst part of the dream was, the classmates in the room weren’t the mean ones I hated–they were the nice ones. The ones from Changsha, the ones I love, the ones I miss. They were all staring at me and mocking me. And that hurt so much.

The second part of my dream involved experts. Strangers. Strangers pulling my mother along with them while my dad just went ahead, completely oblivious to the obvious danger these people were posing. They were taking my mom away and I wanted to keep up but I couldn’t, I couldn’t because they were walking too fast, and I couldn’t run. I was helpless to do anything, to say anything.

The third part of my dream was the most terrifying. I was surrounded by people, by both friends and strangers, and they were all splattered in different-colored paint. Yellow streaks on their faces, green on their hands, purple soaked into their clothes. And they were trapped in these perfect glass boxes that were dazzlingly bright inside. I was slamming the glass, I was trying to get them out, but they wouldn’t come out, and they just kept saying, in these perfectly blank, calm voices, that they were worthless, they were going to die, that they had no reason to live anymore. I was screaming back at them. I was trying to convince them that they were good enough to live, they didn’t have to die, that I loved them, I needed them, but they said no, no we’re not good enough, just let us go, and they started smearing the paint on their clothes onto the glass so I couldn’t see them clearly. I fell to the ground then, I thought I was dying, because I was crying so hard and it felt like I was suffocating, so I woke up, and I stood up but I almost hit my head on the wall when I wobbled to the side, and my head was spinning.

It’s still spinning.

My head hurts so much.

I can’t think straight, I can’t enjoy anything, I can’t respond really properly to conversation. My sister is sweet, she tried talking to me, but I can’t really remember what she was saying, I don’t remember, it’s like none of this is happening. I almost threw up at the smell of the food for breakfast, I didn’t want to drink anything, listening to music made me so dizzy, so nauseous.

I can’t think.

It’s taken me more than an hour to write this much because I keep swaying to the side and I want to lay down but I can’t, because if I lay down again I won’t be able to get up for the whole day. What if I have…have cancer or some sort of brain tumor or disease that’s making me dizzzy?

My head hurts.

My head hurts.

My head hurts.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me now.

My head hurts.

One thought on “Dreams/Dizziness”

  1. It sounds like a migraine headache. Have you had one before? What a terrible night of bad dreams! Bless your heart. If you don’t feel fine in a day or two, please see a doctor.
    Hope all is well.

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