A Letter To Someone I Love

Between 12/19/15 & 2/29/16

Person I love,

The sorts of mental I am are caused by me and only me.  Never question yourself.  You’re giving and caring.  Nothing is good enough for me because I am not good enough or worthy of anything.  You don’t truly know the extent of hate I have for myself.  It’s impossible to love someone who feels unlovable at her core.

In my soul I deserve pain and hurt.  That is the only way to express what is happening inside.

I know you don’t understand and I don’t expect you to.  There’s no switch for me to fix myself either and it’s just as frustrating dealing with my own bullshit as it is for you to deal with it.

You work hard and deserve someone stable.  Not someone insecure who needs constant reassurance because of selfish reasons.

I love when we are briefly happy.  When we laugh really hard at stupid things, because we have the same sense of humor.  That’s what always was very attractive about you.  Because of my lack of self-esteem I can’t even be funny like I used to.  It’s sad.

When you tell me I’m beautiful I know you mean it, but I am literally sick when I look at myself and what I’ve become.

My point is I have issues to the core and they are mine cause by me and I’m therefore unlovable.

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