Again, and a look back

Today is my 19th birthday.

I don’t like birthdays. They are filled with your friends, both online and offline, sending you congratulations, and then having birthday parties with your family and/or friends.

I wish I had them, though.

Now it’s not like I don’t have them. Lots of people have congratulated me, and I will be having dinner with my family tomorrow.

Today I opened my Facebook.

Imagine this: a guy who does not post anything and has some weird picture taken from the internet as his profile one. I mainly use for academic purposes. That’s where our schools students share files, since no one bothered to come up with something better.

There are notifications from my friends, rather, my coursemates. All of them having a single word or a short phrase: congratulations! happy birthday! etc. Seems normal.

And then the camera shifts to another person, one of the girls in my course who had a birthday just before mine.

Pictures, short stories, heartfelt compliments and wishes, inside jokes… They felt genuine, and it wasn’t just from one or two people. It felt… alive.

But I realised it’s not just her. Most people I knew had at least one of those things posted on their timeline. Not all, mind you, but, then again, I mostly hang out with people who don’t like to socialise all that much.

I didn’t get angry, nor sad. Just… empty.

I didn’t get to be mad about anyone but myself, same with sadness. After all, I don’t even post happy birthday notices on peoples walls myself.

It’s a thing I should’ve came over a long time ago. Mine is character that believes that some mental problems are real, while others can be cured with a change in attitude, social anxiety being one of them. I say that as I shiver at the thought to ask a restaurant waitress for extra cups.

On the other hand, maybe i should view it as a problem. Every problem has a solution, right? The problem is that it would make it quite a tough one, since the answer is the thing that the problem doesn’t allow you to do. It will take some thinking, unless I want to go for a ‘swim or drown’ approach.

… I wandered off. Let’s return to my egoistical self.

I want to have those heartfelt congratulations. No, I want to have the memories to base them on. No, I want to have friends that I can create those memories with.

I never really enjoyed humanitarian sciences. They tend to make lots of problems more complicated than they really are. And yet this time I will use them to say that my sentences contain too many I when talking about myself.

If there is any real problem that keeps me locked away from my dreams and wishes it is that I character.

One good place would be here: I promised I would train, study get better, communicate with people. Except for training, and that was on and off, too, I’ve failed to do those things. Again.

Today I’ve eaten a delicious cake with 5 uneven candles, the smoke of which signaled a new wish being thrown out into this world.

There is still a lot, but I’ll keep it for tomorrow. This is getting too ranty even for my liking.

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