Mental Illness Side Effects

Ups and downs, all in the same day.  Happy, excited, positive and looking forward to later.  By the afternoon, anxiety, sadness, fear and panic.  Then make the best decision I can and now shame and guilt.  I must escape. I must get you all away from me so I can stop letting you all down, to stop letting myself down.

I always felt self-aware but I wasn’t.  I now know today that my unstable mind is causing serious problems.  I have no control.

I want to destroy all relationships now…before I destroy them in the end anyway.

I have friends because they pity me.  Only because they are good, patient, and kind.  Not because I am worthy of friendship.

I want to run away and get help all at once.  I’m on a fine line of completely losing all rational thought and trying to get normalcy.  It’s hard to be two extremes.

I want to get rid of the demons but sometimes I want to embrace them to see what I can do. Maybe I can fully let them show without shame – Is that authentic?  Or is becoming “better” authentic?  Or is that pretending to be something I’m not?  There’s too many right answers.  So much gray area.

So do I uncover and unleash completely, this deemed “sickness” and embrace myself or do I find books and therapy to help be “normal” and function?  Or is that just pleasing everyone else?  Which is it?

I second guess all choices so it’s not surprising that I can’t even determine who I am.  I’m 32 and my emotions vary to a degree that my personality varies almost hourly.

I’m just a black and white DSM case.  That’s all.  A statistic.

My thoughts aren’t masked here.  I don’t need to reword them into a socially acceptable or positive light.  I hate worrying about hurting others, especially since I do it anyway.

In between these entries I maintain a somewhat normal life.  How is this?  I do feel hopeless though, trying all these medications to no avail.  Was I ever be more steadily happy?  Will I ever be?

I still crave love.  I guess I must still have hope.  Somewhere in here.

I want to hurt myself with a blade or by hitting.  I don’t because society and friends frown, but I want to. 

I never understood why I can’t destroy myself.  I can’t because everyone else is selfish and wants me around.  It’s ironic because they say suicide is selfish, it’s not.  You wanting me to live hell longer is.

This all makes sense to me now.  Maybe when I’m more in an “up” or “even” state it won’t and I won’t identify with the person writing this right now.  Now, is that beautiful or scary?

/////////////////////////////////// Later//////////////

I am diagnosed with Bipolar and ADHD but I’m beginning to think I am Borderline.  After rereading through all of my writings I can see patters, triggers, commonalities.  It’s scary but enlightening.  I want to embrace myself but it’s scary.  It’s like posing naked for someone, all flaws will be out, all angles will be shown, not just the pretty parts I allow you to see, not just a small glimpse of a piece. 

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