I just registered here today as a place to get my thoughts out of my head. It seems to help when I write my emotions out. So here I am, at work, trying to get this empty sadness out even though it didn’t happen to me.
I’m sure there are many people who follow HONY on FB or Tumblr and saw the series on the children with cancer. There was ONE photo that has done me in. The one of Caitlin. Since I saw it I can’t stop thinking about her and her family. I’ve probably looked at it a hundred times the last few days. I’ve cried about it multiple times every day. I think it’s because in the grainy cell phone picture she reminds me of my 3 year old daughter. They don’t look alike, but the way she is standing, holding her hands, in the skirt, scarf,and bow her mom probably helped to pick out for the trip to the doctor, the way she is following instructions, just trying to be a good girl, pulls at my heart. I cry for this little, innocent girl, that did not deserve this. That did not get to do all the things my daughter likes to do, that never got to see Frozen, that probably didn’t really understand why she was different. I think of the ache her family must feel. I wondered where they were, how they were carrying on.
Yesterday I did some investigating and found the family through a FB comment. Then I got to learn all about her and see pictures. I don’t know if that made me feel better or not. I’m still getting choked up right now. Why is this affecting me so much? This family lives all the way across the country from me! They are actually having a charity 5k this weekend too. I am glad that the mother is still blogging. I feel like I want to message her but don’t know what to say. I just hate that this has happened; that it happens every day. I wish that I could get this little girl out of my mind, but then I feel bad because she should not be forgotten. I know she won’t by her community, but it feels awful to me to have her picture just disappear into the social media feeds. I am glad her doctor still has her picture. I have saved it on my phone as well.
One positive thing is that it has refreshed the love I feel for my family. I miss my kids so much during the day and have been a lot more patient. They are such gifts to me, not inconveniences, and I need to remember that. I need to say yes more, to let the kitchen stay dirty, pick them up and carry them, let them sleep in my bed.
Anyway, I will probably go back and look at her website several times, cry for a few more days, and hopefully be able to comfortably move on. It makes me feel silly saying that, because I have nothing to move on from. I did not experience this loss directly. It seems like every couple of years something sad like this gets to me and I go through a week funk of crying and being depressed. Maybe I will write more again, just to work it all out.