Sober, then Not Sober

10/23/14 – Sober entry

I need to escape me, my thoughts, memories and past.  I have a trail of garbage.  I hurt all those around me.  I am unreasonable.  I want to leave it all behind,  go off the grid or die.  Those are the only ways.

The realization of being a piece of shit, I carry it with me.

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I wasn’t sober writing this later that day.  Also, my mom passed away 10 years ago.

Life is meant for death.

We, as humans, define those terms.  We don’t know beginning or ends.  We also define those terms.  There’s more, I know it.  There’s things or spirits or forces within me other than my own. Not in a crazy multiple personality way, in a spiritual way.  Societal norms quiet the true spirit of self.  We each have depth quieted by norms.  Let it fly alone.  I’ll suffer regret tomorrow, shame.  I’m missing a piece to this puzzle named existence.

These red lines that pain upon the flesh are deserved and enjoyed.  The infliction dull to what I’ve done.

Mom, I pushed you away out of fear.  I fear pain no more now, for you. 

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