Today I feel more stable, rational even. I was able to go out and accomplish something, that’s always a plus. I did start out by binge eating however. I even rationally thought about it afterword instead of beating myself up.
When I’m doing this well I get nervous though, I wonder how long it will last and when my mood will eventually plummet. Oh and when it plummets, it plummets quickly. I make irrational and emotional decisions, most of which I regret. I ordered a workbook from Amazon that was recommended to me so I hope that will help me create some strategies to at least ease up on emotional decision making.
It feels nice to have this as an outlet, even if nobody reads it. It feels nice to share on Twitter freely. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone, I’m not stranded on the “crazy island” anymore, instead I have a support system of understanding people on the other side of their iphones or computers. This is one of the positives of the internet. Yes, there is online bullying, but since having opened up online I’ve experienced nothing but open arms, supports and assistance.
I’d like a relationship. I know there’s tons of quotes about how one should be completely together alone but I recently read a quote that said otherwise. In reality, everyone deserves love and all of us are always striving to improve something or other in our lives so we would all be alone forever. I know I’d need someone truly understanding and in tune with Bipolar and sometimes I think that I don’t really deserve love since I feel so broken. Maybe someone can love all of me because not all of me is broken, I still have good qualities besides my mental illness.
I tend to destroy relationships though so maybe it won’t happen. I’m terrified to go on a date because I might set someones hopes up and disappoint. Eh, always back and forth with me. The previous paragraph was almost positive and uplifting, this one, not so much.
Decisiveness. Sureness. Confidence. I need them. How do I get them? Maybe this workbook will help? T-3 days until arrival. I pray for some direction. I pray to lose second-guessing.