Control is something I can’t do to my self. I mean, yes, I’m telling everybody I’ve got full control over myself but that’s bullshit. I’ve got so many things that I wish I should’ve done if I just got control over myself. Control is a luxury I couldn’t afford. If I just got self-discipline and self-control, I think everything will be easy. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO CONTROL MYSELF? I wanna do the laundry. I mean, I NEED to do the laundry but it seems like I can’t. I wanna control my eating but I can’t. I wanna sleep early but I can’t. WHY AM I LIKE THIS? I just can’t beat myself to do those simple things that needs to be done. Ugghhhhh I wanna have control over myself. Every single thing that I wanna achieve seems so impossible because of that stupid control. And well, life is not that simple. If I just got control, everything will flow easily. And now, I realize that well, maybe control is a luxury to people. It’s like we all have some inner drive that makes us do something without even acknowledging we’re doing it or doing something which well, we can’t control. We’ve all got some drive. And that drive makes us lose control. It maybe money, power, dreams, etc etc. And as for me, well, maybe my drive is I don’t wanna do something. In short, I’m very lazy. SUUUUUUPER DUUUUUPER LAAAAZYYY. If I’m introduced to an errand, activity or something that needs to be physically, mentally, emotionally, socially etc done, the first thing that pops into mind is “kapoy”. I don’t know why I’m like this. Maybe it’s really in me that everything is so tring. And so,  as much as how I badly want or need to do something, I kinda retreat or something and save it for later or wait for it to do the magic on it’s own, or leave everything to Destiny or I don’t know. And now, I feel like a coward. I should figure out something to make this drive go away because this is so not good. I feel so shallow and hopeless and WORTHLESS. Help please

One thought on “Control”

  1. Kiara, you are not lazy. I don’t know the answer to the lack of drive, but I suffer the same thing and I am always calling myself lazy and feeling ashamed. But I cannot,
    CANNOT bring myself to do housework. It is a constant struggle. My mom says it’s because I’m a creative type, an artist. Nobody is everything. She’s domestic and so neat and organized at 92 !! My sister is a concert level pianist and she is the same as me, will do anything but housework. Procrastinates. Feels bad about it.
    My only advice would be 1) stop feeling bad about it. 2) try to form habits, they kind of do themselves. 3) Elizabeth Eliot wrote : do the first thing.
    Bless you!

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