So, this is a post to begin my healing process after the unpleasant and damaging experience I have been through that I thought was normal.
I constantly feel like a burden for everyone nowadays.
The feeling grows stronger especially in cases where the person I am communicating with has the same or similar position and role as she did.
I have let a person with a position of authority impact my life so much that it continues impact my behavior and personal well-being two years after cutting contacts with her.
The behavior patterns that have been damaging to me and that I normalized in order to justify her treatment are difficult to let go off. They were also justified by dozens of people who repeatedly told me that the problem was not in her treating me badly, but in the way I looked at the situation.
But refusing to see mistreatment as mistreatment will not get rid of it.
It never did.
Continuous victim blaming and internalization of a problem have turned me into a person who has failed to distinguish emotional abuse from normal human relationship and friendship. My guts were the only thing that saved me, alerting me over and over again that was I received was not normal, not my own problem, not the problem of how I looked at things. They are impacting my everyday communication with people.
I have unhealthy reaction to normal human behavior. I overreact to normal treatment, to things that are considered normal in communication. I take respect for myself and people finding time for me as something that should not be expected, and then feel like a burden for being so happy about it.
I am afraid to ask people if they are available, I am afraid that they will say “No” and choose not to ask sometimes, potentially defending myself from an assumed reaction that may have never come anyway.
I’ve been trained to behave like this by years of rejection, words that did not match actions and self-blame that followed as a result of what I thought was “my overreaction to someone who just does not have as much time as I wish she did.”
She would cover me with great words, words that told me how much she missed me, how great I was, how there was no one like me. And later I would be left alone to wonder why her words never matched her actions, and blame myself for overreacting to mistreatment, lies and rejection “when she likes me so much”.
I now realize the words were meaningless. A narcissist will use compliments to keep the codependent attached, to feed the codependent with the right emotions just enough to ensure that he or she do not begin to heal. They do this subconsciously, I believe – with years, they have developed mechanisms to hurt people without an actual intention to do so. They hurt people because they believe what they’re doing is right – because THEY are at the center of everything, and people are only there to support that view. If not – people are discarded. Just like I was in the end, when I put an end to this after 9 years of pain and confusion.
She told me the words because she fed on my reaction from those words. She told them to me because in return for them I would reflect her like a mirror – and people are nothing but mirrors for her. When telling me how much she missed me, she’d be speaking to her image in my eyes as a result of her words, and not to me.
But her words and actions have driven me into years of confusion and pain. It took me long to accept and heal.
It took me long to convince myself that forgiving is not always the right choice. Anger is healthy sometimes. It was anger, and not forgiving, that took me to the correct path, and it was anger that helped me to become the first one to put a full stop to years of pain and emotional abuse.
I am yet to accept that there are people who will have time, and people who will apologize and propose another day when they are available, people who will call first and tell me that they want to see me. Not every day, not every week, not every month, but sometimes they will.
So I am yet to accept and adjust. I overcome the fear and ask, and a positive answer makes me so happy that it hurts. I am surprised and pleased that someone has found time for me, sometimes to an extent that I wish to openly thank them about it. And sometimes I do thank them, in fact. This is all a consequence of the pain that she has caused me in the last nine years. But it’s a healing process.
I’ve began healing…