Bipolar – Cycles

My up and downs are so rapid.  I’m a different person hour to hour, day to day, sometimes minute to minute.  I am surrendered to my emotions and mood that I don’t control but controls me.  It’s like I am a guest in my emotional house, trying to go with the flow and make the best possible choice depending on the intense feeling of the moment.  It’s no way to live.

Is what I’m feeling moment to moment my actual legitimate feeling or just because of my mood disorder?  How can I know?  It’s difficult to make solid choices when you’re not even sure what you’re feeling is accurate or some grand exaggeration or misunderstanding of a factual situation. 

I can’t trust my feelings.  My feelings are sometimes too strong or an overreaction to an event.  I get carried away, I go too far, say too much.  Then I can’t come back from it, no.  I plummet into the despair of shame because I obviously have no self control or respect for myself and others.  How could I do or say such stupid things?  I’m educated but a complete idiot at times.  Again, no control, just reactive. Reactive to my environment and reactive of my own emotions, wherever they may be at that particular moment.

Self esteem is hard to come by when one is supposed to mature with age, not stay the same or regress.  How can I feel good about myself when one day I am on top of the world, saving it actually, and the next I have my foot in my mouth?

I’m unable to describe myself to anyone.  I can be such an extrovert but I can be such an introvert, depends on the day.  I can be extremely confident and outgoing and I can also be extremely self sabotaging and depressed, depends on the day, depends on the hour.  I can be so funny, I can be so serious, I can be so sad and emotional, I can be stone and cold, depends on the day, depends on the hour. 

This whirlwind is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting and it feels defeating.  I am unable to love myself most days, how do I expect others to love me?  I feel selfish.  I live each day in my own head, creating my own dramas that don’t exist, I am a loner when it comes to this illness.  The shame that comes with this disorder is heavy.  If I open up to people then my actions are all just used as an explanation of my illness, I lose my identity.  I am this disorder.  Is this all that I am?  Lately it feels that way.  It’s hard to see out of the choppy waters of my mind.

2 thoughts on “Bipolar – Cycles”

  1. My 15 year old grandson is having the same exact problem. Rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Meltdowns, outbursts—-afterward, he is tired or exhausted and so sorry for unkind things he said, and for cursing. It is so difficult for him. You are not alone. Are you on any meds? Abilify is a good one, ask your doctor. God bless you, and please don’t feel ashamed because of your illness. Love yourself with deep compassion as you would another person in your shoes.

  2. Thank you for your comment. I am on medications, 3 actually. Working on their dosage and if they actually work right now. I am definitely trying to love myself through it, I think I haven’t given up or else I wouldn’t be continuing to seek help! It’s great to have positive feedback, I’m slowly coming out of my “shame shell” by sharing through this journal and on Twitter. Good luck to you and your grandson, I hope he finds peace as well.

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