I have eaten my feelings for as long as I can remember. I remember eating too much sweets, too much candy, too much ice cream, even at the age of 10 or 11. My parents did not have the best relationship. My dad was an alcoholic… and very emotionally abusive to my mom. At the time I had no clue that my emotions were attached to my eating. I just knew I liked sweet stuff. I liked a whole pack of ramen noodles instead of the half of a pack our mom would give us. I wanted more soda than she said we could have. I liked all the typical junk food kids liked. I don’t really classify myself as a binge eater though. I don’t binge, by definition. I would just eat really unhealthy food.
As I mentioned, I am now on a diet. A low carb diet. (I know, I know. It is not a “diet” it’s a lifestyle. etc etc) It is in preparation for bariatric surgery. I had to lose 50 lbs upon my first consultation with my doctor 2 months ago. I have lost 35 lbs since that visit so I only have 15 more lbs to go. In the meanwhile, I have been getting all of the tests I need for clearance. I will be doing an at home sleep study at the end of the week and I am very curious about those results. I would not be surprised if I have sleep apnea, but we shall see.
The diet is not so bad. I just really miss carbs – A LOT. I miss sugar, in general, but since I can have SOME fruit and some flavors of Crystal Light are not that bad, I do not miss sugar half as much as I miss bread… pizza, hamburgers, potatoes… the carb laden list goes on and on. While I have tried some bariatric/low carb friendly recipes, I am so stressed about making sure I lose the weight that I need for this surgery, that I am trying to stick to simple recipes like in the featured picture to make sure I do not eat too many calories or carbs.
I have also made salmon ceviche when I was feeling just a bit bored. I did not consider that the lime juice has a lot of carbs in it at the time, so I think it threw me out of ketosis for a bit and I was scared I was not going to lose as much weight as I wanted for the month, but it was not as bad as I thought it would be.
I forgot to take a picture of the finished product.
All in all my meals tend to look more like the shrimp and sugar snap peas vs the ceviche, though. I have tried spaghetti squash and meat sauce as well as chicken crust pizza. Both were okay.
The hard part is eating on a schedule. 5 small meals a day, that never amounts to more than 1000 calories, and I need to get it all in before 6pm. I typically don’t fall asleep until 1 or 2 am, so needless to say, I am typically starving every night. This does not help with the whole sleeping restfully thing. But… I am pushing through.
Enough about food.
What I fear most about having surgery is the lack of support system afterwards. Besides my brothers, I have no family here. The family friend I referred to, as I said before, is doing the best that she knows how. But she has not lived life with a severe weight problem, and she is the type to battle through her depression to get to the other side. She has been through a lot in life too, and I admire her tenacity and wish I had that instilled in me, in general. She has her own ideas about why I am overweight that does not really have anything to do with the root cause of my issue. I am not great at spoken communication and she tends to take the things I say in ways that I don’t mean, which causes me to bottle up and just keep things to myself and verbally agree with her even when I actually do not. I finally broke down and sent her an email trying to explain my perspective that seemed to shed some light for her. But, I am still anxious about it all.
I have no friends, because I pushed them away a long time ago. Truthfully, I never had a lot of friends anyway. Not unless I met them online through gaming, and now through social media. Social media friends are not real friends, not people I am emotionally connected to and honestly if I had to stop talking to them tomorrow, I would be okay with it. That is how emotionally disconnected I tend to be with people. I am not close with my brothers although we lived together well over a decade, with one brother moving in and out of the house a few times.
So, I realize that this is all going to come down to whether or not I am strong enough to handle it on my own. That scares me because I have not been strong enough to handle most things. People would disagree with me, but they don’t truly understand just what a mess my life is. Hiding and burying and avoiding and ignoring problems have only caused countless other problems to pop up. I am hoping that the post surgery support groups that my doctor mentioned will be some help.
I do know that I want the surgery. I need it because my weight loss has gone in loops based on how well my life is going at the time. I can lose weight in the beginning, but always gain it, plus more, back before I reach my goals. I am hoping with the surgery I will lose the weight more swiftly and reach my weight loss goal.