Creative, energized, focused. These are what I felt today. And also, dare I say it, impressed and proud of myself.
When I have moments like this, later in the day (like now), I tend to regret being over excited about myself or accomplishments. Maybe I was too happy for my tasks completed, I mean, who goes around tooting their own horn? I am good at feeling shameful of almost any behavior I display it seems.
Look at me, Level 10 expert on thinking myself into a bad mood.
My Psychiatrist is on vacation. As soon as she gets back I have so much to drop on her (these journals, for instance). The good thing is I finally have the words to express my emotions, I finally have my eyes on factual observations of myself, my reactions, my actions, and almost all reasons for them. It’s a good thing for me to be able to come to terms with this illness.
To define “come to terms” more clearly, I mean I am now capable of looking back at all situations and how I handled them (or didn’t) and see exactly how this illness has impacted me.
One day I hope to separate myself from the illness maybe? Or is the illness me? I was thinking that if I could separate myself from my illness I wouldn’t always be defined by it, everything I did wouldn’t be attributed to it. But if the illness is me I can get on board with accepting that as well, either way would be some form of loving self.
I hope there is a medication, or a correct dose of medications, that will calm the waves of my emotions. I’d like a calm sea of emotions rather than constant switches between tidal waves and drought season. It’s like every situation I’m put in requires a fight or flight reaction. It’s exhausting.
