Its like a prison. My heart just continues to slam around, banging that metal can against the cold and hollow bars. It breaks with every tap, spills with every sound, melts with every touch.

Things can only get harder from here. Its funny, cause you meet someone and fall in love with them, you take pictures and take time to make memories. But then one day it all just fades, and your left with an empty bowl of dreams and regrets. So why do we even bother? Whats the point in adding on more of the pain to what is already so much.

I do it for you. River, my unborn child. You wont even be here for another eight years at least, but yet I find myself living for you now. River Michael, my angel sent to save me from hell. You are the reason I am alive, to one day see your face and fall in love with you all over again. You give me hope, you show me love might be worth it after all. You mean everything to me.

Its crazy to think that at so young an age I feel death creeping towards me. But scars remain, the burns leave marks too. And maybe seven attempts wasn’t good enough, but number eight will never come because I love you.

I loved him too, and look where that’s gotten me. Some luck. So why do we do it? Why spare yourself and risk your sanity for something so fragile and temporary. Why bother?

Because of her, because of him. Because of me.


I love you Bean.

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