I realised this site is actually quite depressing and sad, probably because so many use it to destress and get stuff off our chests. So I’ve decided to not be overly miserable and wallow in self-pity (that’s not to say I can’t be down to a certain tolerable extent which my situation warrants). That’s such a weird criteria to set for myself but we’ll see. I want to be more positive and optimistic. And I’d like to think of that as possible because it is a mentality not bounded by character traits and personality.
Being positive is a mindset. A mindset I have the option to choose. What about the ability? Do I even have the determination?
I feel like persistence and determination is something I lack. Some call it drive, but really, isn’t it just discipline? Everything lies on hard work and discipline, and of course maybe some talent or brains to act as a catalyst for whatever reaction to occur. Why can’t I ever stick to my plans and self-drawn-up timetables?? How can I actually focus and stick to it? It’s become so bad that even plans and schedules with others have been affected. It’s like I just don’t care. And it scares me to think that. Because even if I want to say I don’t care, I still actually do care a lot about “trivial” matters.
Many times I’ve thought that not caring would probably decrease my worries over so much stuff, which is causing so much stress. And that not caring about them would give me more freedom and liberty in life. But basically, I don’t think I can ever live a life of absolutely not caring about anything so I might as well find some ways to cope with the stress. Not caring could possibly mean a loss of direction. And without a direction in life, what am I living for? Ha, not like I truly have a direction now. Grades, maybe? Choir, well, it used to be, until… Nevermind, we’re stepping down. It’s time for us to focus on our studies. How about my family then? They’ve always been a constant in my life that have I taken them for granted? I don’t actually know how to show appreciation without seeming overly weird and awkward though. Sometimes I just wish that we were the type who gave out hugs and gave gifts freely, for no rhyme or reason. Then I wouldn’t need a reason other than, Well, because I love you. But nah, in our context now, everything will just be like a staged outwardly sweet gesture, and they’d think something happened or what. The only thing happening is me trying to grow up. ASAP, to add on.
I value efficiency and productivity. Ironic that I procrastinate so much then. Just today made me feel like teenagers are so unproductive. We just hanged around doing nothing basically half the time. In fact, I think teenagers are unproductive in general. Then why do I not step up and be proactive then? Why do I keep seeking to follow a good leader rather than being that good leader people follow then? I guess leadership is a topic for some other time.