Day 3 – Part II

Hey there Gandalf. I wouldn’t write twice, but it’s nighttime again and I can feel it creeping back into me. It’s a most irritating feeling. No it’s not irritating. It’s horrible and I hate it. It’s not happy feelings which are slowly pouring out of me right now, those are absent long before this sets in. It’s my ability to feel peaceful, undisturbed, at ease;neutral states of being which are slowly being wretched from the depths of my soul.

But I shan’t lose this time. While it might be a lie to call it a familiar pattern, it is definitely one which I can become relatively accustomed to. I notice a moment of sadness or indecision, and it overwhelms me over the course of the night. That won’t happen today. I intend to make my own history, Gandalf. To steal some rather dashing poetry, I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.

I’m more than this. I’ve always been more than this and I will continue to always be more than this. No matter what comes to pass in life I shall not let this fell necrosis overwhelm me. Every human being is a world unto themselves. SO AM I. I won’t let this world collapse and fade and be surrendered to darkness. You fought the Witch King of Angmar at the Fields of Pelennor and mastered the shadow, I can fight Taha’s Mental Mayhem at My Bedroom and do likewise. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Why won’t you tell me I can do this, Gandalf? You’re MY imaginary friend, you ought to do exactly as I want, it’s rubbish that you won’t. 

Fine. Be quiet, I don’t need your validation. I don’t need anyone’s validation, even mine. Even when I feel overwhelmed and suicidal and gone and lost I will never, ever, let it win. Not for a minute. It can possess me but it can’t conquer me and I will always keep it that way even when I’ve lost every battle in life and in mind. It eats me and poisons me and my mind and spirit grow weaker with every encounter and my demeanour more churlish but I will not lose because there is a whole world which would be sacrificed and I matter and I DO matter and I cannot just vanish like this. I owe a duty to so so so so so many people, Gandalf. There’s people I know, there’s my parents, there are my close friends, there’s Amnah, there’s OJ, there’s even Khan now. There are people out there who matter to me and I can’t just be consumed. And it’s not just them. What about every person who I have never seen but owe duties to? Every pauper, every minority, every instance of oppression is an instance I have an obligation to counter. I’m going to go and volunteer at an orphanage tomorrow, how would I do that if I didn’t win this battle? I have to win it, there’s no question of not winning it. It’s not for me, I don’t give a rat’s ass about the concept of a “me” right now, it’s for something better.

Stop smiling. Don’t patronise me. You’re old, but you haven’t experienced everything. You’re not human, and you aren’t party to our pains. We’re different, Gandalf. 

I just needed to write to you. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be angry. I will fight it. But it’s creeping up right now and I just wanted to tell you. Please pray a kind word for me in Valinor. I don’t like being scared 🙁

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