Day 5 – Part II

I want to stop existing again, Gandalf. Don’t worry, I won’t do anything rash. I will win. I promised myself that. I just wish it wasn’t so hard. It’s so very hard. There’s a leak in my head, and all the good things are pouring out of it. It feels inevitable and real. I read about something called depressive reality. I think I can understand that. It all feels so real, like there never was and never could be anything else. Do you think I sound like an idiot, Gandalf? When I go from being apparently happy in the morning to a complete wreck in five hours? I hope to God you don’t. I don’t feel like an idiot. I feel very sad. Words are ridiculous. How am I supposed to communicate how I feel through words? They’re inadequate and incapable of capturing the thoughts which are raging through my head and making me feel like throwing up and dying and drowning and burning and crashing and falling and screaming and writhing and flailing. I don’t want any of this, Gandalf. I want to get out of my skin and have peace for a moment. How am I supposed to do that? My mother wants me to read the Quran, Gandalf. That’s the extent of the help I’m likely to receive. I’m alone. I’m alone. I’m alone. And I have to win alone. And I will. I’ve never lost something which I’ve quite made up my mind to win. There’s nothing which can master me. But I feel so completely mastered right now. God, Gandalf, I wish you were here. Please, sing me a spell to make things better. I want things to be better. I want me to be okay, Gandalf. God, I want to cry. Why can’t I cry? Children were crying everywhere I saw them today, it’s not fair that I can’t. If I could cry, I would make it all better by myself. Let me cry, Gandalf. If this is some infernal spell of yours to keep in check, IT’S NOT FAIR. I WANT TO CRY. Let me be free, let me be able to express my grief, because if I don’t, I shall find myself quite incapable of it. Vanessa Ives handled the demons of hell chasing down after her and came out of her depressed stupor. I want to do that. Please gandalf, let me do that. Help me do that. I know you’re in there somewhere. Come out. Come out and save me. If I believe in you hard enough, can’t you do me that one small favour? Please. Please. Please. I may have to do this alone, but let me at least not feel alone. I wish you were real. I wish you were here.

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