Happiness or lack thereof

It’s almost the end of the term! 🎉 I’m so glad. But am I happy?

A teacher’s feedback for me was that I seem very quiet in class and I seldom smile, unlike the rest. She commented that I seemed unhappy. Am I really?

What is happiness anyway? A feeling? Emotion? State of living? How do I know if I’m truly happy?

Well from what I understand of happiness, I guess I am indeed not happy. Is being not happy the same as being unhappy though? I’d like to think that I’m not actually unhappy, but more of lost or confused. Being labelled “unhappy” makes me feel like such a failure for not being able to take control of my life. Actually, not like being lost or confused is much better, but it is justified for a teen searching for herself to feel lost or confused right? Anyway, this teacher was emphasizing on the importance of studying something you are passionate and interested in, because if you’re not, work will always feel like a chore and a burden. And that’s exactly how I feel about school right now… How do I find my passion then? Though I know what I dislike, I don’t exactly have something I’m so good at that I feel so inspired and motivated and interested all the time. What do I even do to find such a “passion”? How do I find what makes me happy when grades take so much control over me compared to what we actually learn during lessons? Ultimately I feel like everything revolves around grades; Of course I’m not happy.

Admittedly, stuff is being done (or at least the government, the ministry, the schools, the teachers are attempting to) to reduce the amount of exam stress faced by students and increase the spirit of having the desire to learn. Even promoting lifelong learning and continual upgrading of skills to stay relevant. However, the effects certainly would not be felt in my lifetime as a student. Mindsets of students, and of course their parents, are so hard to change. Even for myself, I feel like I, too, would be one of those mums wanting her children to score well to get into university (which, by then, would have become even more competitive). And isn’t it sad? It’s just going to be a vicious cycle if we don’t actively try to curb it (so I should do my part).

However, as for my teacher’s impression, it could just be skewed because my personality just isn’t as bubbly and hyped up as most teens. I just prefer to not be crazy I guess. I really don’t get teenagery stuff like why people like to communicate through insulting each other. So yes, in general, I feel a generation gap. The other things she said were quite true though, like how I should find a suitable studying method that best fits me. She said that my work was not consistent because I did not study consistently, and that I should put in more hours regularly. And she even said, “Some people might be able to study something in just 3 hours on the day before, but I think you’re like me. I’m the type who needs to study a lot consistently. People study 3 hours; I study 10 hours.” And omg I swear the truth hurts 😭😞😣 The truth hurts so much. But it’s true. I guess I really admire her for being so direct and blunt telling me that I just had to work harder. So my dear internet folks (aka netizens or whatever), I hereby state my intent to try out different study methods to study Biology during the June holidays! And hopefully find one or two that I like best by… July? All the best in actually sticking to your goals, girl. Methods include: drawing mindmaps, reading the notes aloud, creating some weird actions, and writing notes in point form.

One thought on “Happiness or lack thereof”

  1. Whoa, just stumbled upon this and I’m hooked. Your writing style and word choice is impressive!

    I can somewhat relate to this. I am unsure what happiness really is, but whatever it is, I’m not really it. I may laugh and joke a lot but I guess I’m hiding my true self. An emotional loner afraid of judgement and…loneliness.

    Anyway, I will continue to keep up with your entries. Hope that isn’t a problem!

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