Journal Entry #2 (Love and Midnight Freakouts)

Holy fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I fucked up. Big time.  It’s like 1 in the morning right now and I’m a big fucking weirdo and why are they all so nice to me? Sure I’m “Onee-chan” but do I really deserve their kindness? After what I’ve done? I fucked up. I’ve been thinking about it for about twenty minutes and I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t fix it. I fucked up and I deserve their wrath when they find out. Please don’t hate me. What about being friends forever?

I feel a bit sick. Maybe cause I consumed a lot of food and shit over the past few days. Whatever. It’s not working for me right now. It doesn’t deserve to work for me right now cause I’ve fucked up. I’m a sick freak. I can’t change anything without them hating me. Please don’t hate me everyone. What about me solving all your problems? I’m supposed to help strangers. Remember? I’m so screwed. This could have all been avoided if I had been true to myself in the beginning. Maybe I would be with her right now. Fucking A.

The stress is giving me a headache. I feel like puking. I’m so stressed right now and no one can help me. Where is everyone when you need them? Kinda unfair when I’m always there for everyone else huh? But I can’t think like that cause I’m nice girl Missy.

I hate thinking like that. My friends are just sleeping right now. And even if they were here I wouldn’t tell them the truth. You want to know why? Cause they wouldn’t understand. No one would. I love them all to death but I’m sorry guys. No one can get past this. Not when I’ve already gone in too deep.

The worst part? I’m still thinking about them. If they’re reading this then they will know I am talking about them. Yes, I still like you. Even if you don’t return my feelings. I hate life. I am so unlucky. Of course the best thing to happen to me…doesn’t like girls. Well fuck everything. I still like you and you can’t do anything about it. Of course we can be friends. We’re besties after all but you will always occupy my thoughts. I…like you. A lot. And I think about you all the time. Call me obsessed. And fuck it if anyone calls me a creep. I know you said it wasn’t creepy at all but were you lying? Cause it sounds pretty creepy when I’m typing it here. And I’m sure if anyone is really reading this, they will think the same. I’m a weirdo and a creep. Good grief.

Fuck I wanna end this entry already but I wanna talk about you some more. I guess I will another time. I do owe you that much friend. I hope someday I can tell you the truth and you won’t get mad at me. But for now, I’ll stand in the sidelines and support you as a friend. Cause I love you a lot and it’s the least that I can do for you since you were so nice about my confession to you.

There’s no rest for weirdos and creeps, so I gotta go.

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