Journal Entry #3 (Secrets and Soulmates)

 

Hey everyone, Missy here. Depressed still from my last entry. I’m really tired and I’m yawning like crazy. I haven’t sleep much since my last post. Maybe an hour total?

Anyway, like I said before I’m depressed. Cause I’m struggling to keep a secret that could ruin everything. And if I hadn’t been burdened with said secret in the first place, I wouldn’t be here typing in this fucking journal with bags under my eyes. I want to tell. I want to tell so frickin bad but I can’t. There’s no forgiveness for weirdos like me. I keep envisioning it. Me telling everyone. Them not understanding and hating me. I’d be alone again. Heh, maybe that’s what I deserve. No, it is I deserve. Because I’m a freak. A disgusting freak.

I settled things with my former crush. That’s right. Former. What I said in my last post was true but I need to respect their boundaries. They will never love me how I do them. I realize that now. It finally got through my thick skull. I am not afraid anymore. Well I am, just not of this matter. We are now friends. Besties. I hope I didn’t ruin anything between us. They said I didn’t and I’ll always believe them so I’ll assume I didn’t.

I can’t just shut off my feelings. Maybe I can and I’m just being stupid. You see, I think the thing is that I’m tired of being  alone and rejected so much that I hooked onto them as a safety net. So, maybe I was confusing love with admiration? I hope not.

Like I said before, we’re besties now. So all well that ends well. Maybe it’s not the fairytale ending I was hoping for, but I have to live with it. We can’t go any higher in our relationship and you know what? That’s perfectly fine with me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I think that that’s what I was confusing my love for them with. I just wanted to be close to their heart. To be by their side eternally. To be friends forever. And now that I’ve achieved that status of “friendly soulmates” I can at least begin to get over them.

The thing is…I’m afraid to. Yes I know. I am stubborn. I know why I’m like this by the way. It’s for the same reason I posted earlier. I don’t want to lose them. That includes to other people. Once I move on, I’m sure they will too. I am selfish. I am addicted. I am obsessed. And although my friend gave me my medication to solve this problem, I refuse to swallow the entire pill. That was a metaphor by the way. It’s funny. I want them to find happiness, but I’m afraid of them achieving it. Kinda ironic. I’m such a bad friend. I hope my friend doesn’t read this.  They probably will. And that’s okay. I made this journal for them to read. So they can get to known the real me. The me I keep hidden when we’re in the chatroom. But I hope they don’t sigh cause I’m back to square one. I just want to get better. Can any of you believe that just three days ago I was perfectly fine? Neither can I.

And about that secret from earlier? I will consider telling them on my birthday, which is on June 13th by the way. I just hope they don’t hate me. That would be a shame. If they hated me on my birthday.

God I cried all the way through while typing this. I’m pathetic.

There’s no rest for the tearful, so I’ve gotta go.

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