That’s sick(!)

In this journal I’ll be talking a lot about health (or the mere lack of it, as of lately). I would love to hear other peoples stories on the issues I raise and see how others got through the problems I find myself faced with this present.

Mental health and stigma just seem to be two phrases that just go together. And as much as I think that is so wrong, I truly feel that the case will never change.

After suffering with many illnesses both mental and physical it has become more and more apparent to me that, yes, people don’t like sick people, but also, how much they just don’t.

People ask you how you’re feeling, but they really aren’t ready to hear the truth. I’m not a person to say anything I don’t mean, I’m not a person to partake in small talk or to say “yeah, I’m fine”. Honestly if I feel poorly, or down why the hell would I pretend otherwise, especially if you have pretended to care enough to ask. 

I have a family that has a past with depression. My Nan (god rest her soul) suffered with depression. My dad does, and my mum had suffered with post-natal after my older brother was born. I guess it was inevitable really. I have always followed after my dads side anyway #Phillipsforever

I have always been a deep, and at times dramatic person. I never feel that I’m being dramatic, I just feel everything so deeply and I have no brain to mouth filter, a recipe for disaster, really. So, when I got depression, it was and wasn’t a shock all at the same time. 

The day I realized I was sick was a long time after it had happened. Depression is hard. Now I know, I have suffered with it officially clinically for 4 years, but in reality I know I have had it for longer.

Depression isn’t like a cold, or a broken bone. It doesn’t just go or heal and then you’re fine. It’s a battle, and it’s a battle that you have to deal with Things wont always be bad, or hard. Life has it’s natural ups and downs of course. Suffering with depression just makes it so so much harder to deal with the downs, rather than a dip in the road, its like a crater the size of the moon, one that takes everything you have to get out of.

People will call you all sorts. Especially if you’re like me and what you do/say and what you feel is one in the same. 

I suffer with anger issues and being the deep person I am I rarely feel like I am being understood and empathized with, which the leads to angry and violent outbreaks. I have managed to get these violent outbreaks down to a rarity now though. #crazybitch

When I had depression I drank, and I’m a small girl so it was very difficult to track my drinking and how drunk I would get off of how much. My parents brought me alcohol when I was younger, yes. Alcoholism runs in my family, yes. But my parents have good heads on their shoulders and they knew for a fact that if they didn’t supply my drink and be able to have at least some say in it all, then I would go out and find what I wanted with my friends on the streets, which is something they (must’ve) knew I was capable of and I did when I was younger.

So, when I drank, I got angry, and I mean real angry. And who better to take it out on than myself? 

The first time I self harmed was when I was 16, I had just turned 16 because I was drinking my Malibu my brother had brought me for my sweet 16th. I got angry for stupid reasons about stupid things. I grabbed my nail scissors and went to town on my arm, I didn’t feel it really because of the alcohol and the depression. But it stung like a bitch the next morning.

I felt disappointed in myself but I also kinda enjoyed seeing those scratches in my arm, I got a rush off the anger I enjoyed it almost. It was exhilarating in a way. I have big scars on my arm, but they aren’t that noticeable unless you take the time to really look.

I always have and always will get the temptation to self harm. It’s the kind of self-destructive behavior I adore, and it’s an addiction I will always have and will always want to go back to.

Life can be tough, tougher when you suffer from so many demons. But I guess, everybody has their own demons they suffer with, I view people with depression, anger issues, bipolar and addiction issues, they just wear their demons on their sleeves. And that’s real life.



Leave a Comment: