Debt & Depression – A Deep Hole

I can’t seem to get ahead.  I know I spend frivolously at times but it isn’t enough to warrant the debt I constantly have to be buried in.  I can’t believe I work this hard to live paycheck to paycheck (barely).  Then something major comes up and I have to put more on my credit cards, I just have no choice. 

I’m sick of always being one who struggles.  I can’t ever live a satisfying life like everyone else appears to have.  Everyone else can participate in fun life events in a stress-free manner but I struggle to even begin to be a part of any of the fun, I have to put these fun times on a credit card and dig myself deeper to feel involved, which only perpetuates my issues.  And if I tell people why I can’t participate it’s either a question of “what is she doing with her finances?” or I’ll have pity on you and “Don’t worry, I’ll pay.”  I’m not dealing with either of those options.  So I guess I mostly just participate and deepen my anxiety and depression or avoid which also deepens my anxiety and depression, it’s a lose-lose.

I feel shame when I need to ask people for favors, it hurts me to the core and makes me feel worthless, even something as simple as a car ride somewhere.  I usually avoid asking and just struggle which gives me shame anyway, another lose-lose.

I can’t remember a time when I thought normally and didn’t have shame, maybe childhood.  As soon as I hit an age where I was working I just always told myself that I shouldn’t rely on anyone for things because that’s needy and that’s not what I wanted to ever be.  Maybe that’s what is causing me to be alone for all this time?  Keeping everyone away and not allowing help because it shows I’m weak and needy.  Seems far fetched though.

I ordered a bi-polar workbook and I just began it.  I’m definitely a black and white DSM-5 Bipolar Disorder (I don’t recall what type the doctor said I am but I’m thinking II).  I think it makes me feel a little better to know that I don’t just make this shit up and other people struggle too (although it may manifest itself differently). 

I already canceled going to a gathering with friends tomorrow due to my lack of money and feeling inadequate.  I was told “you don’t have to bring anything.” Pity.  I can’t show up like that, everyone else brings items because they are functioning adults and I am a child who shows up empty handed so I cannot participate.  I technically could put more on my credit card but that brings me right back to square one again, digging my debt and depression hole deeper and deeper.

Looks like I’ll sit out the next 100 social gatherings at the pace I’m going, I don’t deserve fun anyway.

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