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Fighting the voices in my head.

a lot has certainly been going on in my life lately. I’ve sometimes though of how much Easier it would be if I wasn’t even here. We all make mistakes, and our lives form based on our actions. And I’ve made the mistake of being lured into some bad company. It all began with a heart break. I don’t really want to go into detail. But it was bad enough that it left me feeling worthless and unwanted. That I made the mistake of opening my heart to a  fee and trusting easily. It was to the point that I wanted to feel worth someone’s time that every nice word I was told I believed and after those guys got what they wanted I was pushed aside and being ignored like I meant nothing. It got me to a really bad state of mind. To the edge of depression. I was lied to and used. I wasn’t told that one of these individuals had a girl and a week after he got what he wanted he shut me off a month later I hear he’s married and soon to be a father. That broke my heart not because of what he did although it did hurt me on an emotional level. But because if i knew he had a girl never once would I had slept with him. Now I’m trying to get back on my feet and look after myself. I go to the doctors and I get tests done. My blood work came out good. Nothing wrong but one other test did come out hpv positive which makes me at a higher risk of getting cervical cancer. Usually hpv is cause by bacteria through sexual intercourse and 70% of people who are sexually active will get it at some point. Now I’m left to deal with this problem, healing from my emotional breakdowns that caused me to lose my job. While they’re out and about healthy and enjoying life…I don’t envy them nor I wish them any harm. But I wish those individuals wouldn’t of taken advantage of my emotional situation because I wouldn’t have to worry about this. And wish that they don’t just go around playing with peoples emotions and take people more seriously because it can really take a toll on them. I haven’t talked to any of those guys because they all shut me off. And haven’t bothered asking how I’m doing… If only they knew I’m not a healthy human anymore, struggling to get a job to pay for the check ups I’ll have to be getting every 3 months for the next two years to make sure I don’t get worse, that I’m fighting voices in my head to be emotionally stable and stay strong to get out of this,  that I’m being called names like SLUT because of what I have. If only those people knew… Now my light at the end of the tunnel is that hpv can go away but it can take a couple years for that to happen (there’s a lil hope I guess) I’ve pushed away people who really cared for me because of this… I feel dirty and worthless but I know keeping a positive attitude will make things better. Idk I just felt like sharing this to people not because I want to be understood but because I don’t want to be judged. 

3 thoughts on “Fighting the voices in my head.”

  1. Don’t worry, a good HPV vaccine will come out soon in the market. There is hope in everything. Just keep your immune system as healthy as possible. Stress will make your immune system weak.

  2. You know who does not judge you? Jesus. He only loves you, and His heart aches for the way you have been treated by these boys and men. You are His little girl. He wants to heal you and wash away all your negative feelings about yourself, and give you a whole new life of sunshine. Talk to him, dear girl, and believe in His love for you. It’s the beautiful truth.

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