The beginning of the end

So here I’am. Without him. Long before I knew this would happen, I just knew. But I wanted to enjoy every moment I spend with him. That’s probably why he didn’t understand me sometimes when I would just stare at him and smile. He was all I ever wanted, and now he’s gone. Somebody sent a picture of him and me to my mother, and immediately she called me and yelled through the phone. She kept yelling and telling me to end it all, I almost started crying but I couldn’t, because I was with my friends at that particular time. And they saw that something was wrong, I didn’t have the strength to say a single word except “nothing”. I was sitting there with them, and I knew when I get home the nightmare would begin again. From that day on, I would never be able to hug him, kiss him, to love him, ever again. Everybody noticed that I kept staring at a blank space, I was far away already. In that time when he was smiling and looking at me, in a way that nobody ever did. I just smiled at them and started talking about something unimportant, cause certain things only a smile can hide. My soul was slowly melting, I felt lost again, but I tried to make myself look strong, and I still do. But, I’m weaker than I’ve ever been. I love this man, with all of my heart and soul. Every peace of me screams. But why, why can’t I just be against my parents and be with him. Why can’t I be brave when it comes to that.I got up and went for a walk. I didn’t know what to do, where to go. I just didn’t wanted to go home. It was such a beautiful day, people were so happy, the sky was so clear, but my soul was bleeding like never before. If anyone ever left a mark on me, it was him. I miss him so much, his smile, his foolish ways to impress me, his kind words, his touch. I miss his love for me. No one was or will be him. I said it now, and I will say it every day for the rest of my life. I knew in that moment, my heart was stolen forever. Love, this foolish thing, for the first time it hit me hard. I couldn’t do anything. I went home, she started yelling already, calling me stupid, saying how could I do this to her, beside all of the normal guys I choose such trash. If she only knew, how beautiful he was, if she only knew how good he was to me. If she only knew how much I loved him. If she only knew.. But she doesn’t even care, she only cares about what people will say, how she will be titled, how I will be titled. I didn’t care really, I loved him. I told her, it’s fine, it’s over be happy. And as soon as she left with a surprising face I started crying. I needed to cry so bad. Later she came back and asked me why I listen to her, and I told her that she’s my mother, and as long as she is alive I will try to make her happy. And as soon as she dies I will find myself somebody like him, even if it’s the last thing I will do. She kinda laughed and said “but you will be old”, and I answered that I would find myself an old dude. But I knew it’s all lost, I didn’t wanted anyone, I wanted him. And here I’am again, crying every hour, going back to my happy times. Imagining him every second, reminding myself of how good our love was. God, why didn’t you do anything. Why did you let this happen? I thought you were on our side..

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