I can’t tell who I am. I’m trying to work thought this Bipolar Workbook and I’m supposed to identify mania, depression and when I’m just me. And I can’t. Am I me now? Or am I just panicking and it’s a symptom of my issues.
This absolutely devastates me. No wonder I can’t enjoy life, I have no idea who I am. Maybe I don’t know what I enjoy, maybe I never actually enjoyed anything but I was just manic and had a great time.
I’m trying to not drink anymore. I do know for sure that if I drink when manic or depressed I make bad choices I wouldn’t normally make. I cant tell by my drinking thought when I am me and when I am my symptoms, now that I think about it.
It’s summer, everyone is getting together for cookouts, or out for drinks and I’ll need to avoid all of that. It bums part of me out because I feel so free, happy and excited when I am out having some drinks and being silly. But I do know how I feel afterwards if I’ve gone too far, which I can do more often than I’d like. I also know that coming down off of alcohol usually takes me down the road of depression, I just know in my heart of hearts the negatives outweigh any positives.
Back to this Workbook. Do I just sit and stare at this page until I can really identify who I am? I cried last time I tried. It’s frustrating and I feel embarrassed, scared, and completely lost. Knowing I can’t pass this page in the book makes me feel like I’m once again at a dead end and unable to overcome anything, I’m a failure again.
Part of me wants to accept that I’m a failure because I think when I set my expectation higher it makes things worse. If I just looked at myself realistically and really accepted how incapable I am of doing most things maybe I’d be better off, or maybe I’d be giving up. Which is it? How can I decide what to accept and what to change when I’m not sure if any trait is mine or a passing emotion falsely created in my fucked up mind?
This battle is constant in my head. It’s confusing. It makes me dizzy. It gives me a headache (it probably gives anyone I talk to a headache).