8th (Scared to Show)

I’m the most selfish person alive.

I really am. 

The hard thing about being so nice and helpful and “perfect” is everyone expects everything you do to be perfect. But you know what? I’m not perfect. God gave me a flaw that not only hurts me but hurts anyone of that creed. I can’t explain it to anyone, of course I can’t. And no, don’t say “but, Val, we’d accept you no matter what!” I’m so extraordinarily accepting of anything, but even I wouldn’t accept this. If the tables were turned, I couldn’t accept it. 

And here I am, scared for quite good reason, knowing that whatever I say just wouldn’t get across in a way that won’t hurt.

To that person, you know who I’m talking about, I’m sorry. I’m not the perfect person you make me out to be. I make so many mistakes, and I try to hard to fix them, but I know this one I simply can’t. It’s impossible. It’s impossible to accept. Impossible to forgive. And I hate myself so much for it. I promise, you won’t be able to forgive me. I’m not just saying this. This… my deepest secret, one of pure selfishness and bias and favoritism… It’s just… horrible. I was blessed by God to be accepting, open-minded, kind, able to find the kind words I feel know no one else could find. At least, that’s what I believe. 

But, of course, there’s no such thing as perfection. God has given me the most horrible secret, most horrible bias… and it’s never been something that’s hurt me… Until now. It also looks like someone else with be hurt by my selfishness too…  

And now, and I mean now, I just realized that’s why God has given me this horrible flaw. Guilt. To give me guilt, one of the most terrible feelings to feel. If I tell, I’ll feel guilty for hurting them, because I KNOW it will hurt them… And if I don’t, well… I’ll live with the guilt of stringing them along when they could find something else to live for.  

Guilt. Someday, they’ll have to know and I’ll be able to let them go. Someday, they’ll be hurt, but they’ll move on eventually. And I’ll be left with the guilt, as always. It’s always me, feeling guilty and horrible and selfish. That’s the price you have to pay  to always have a smile on your face.

You’re always the one that gets hurt.

And, it gets even worse! I’m hurt all the time where I go, where half the time I feel like they’re my family and half the time they don’t even care. That’s right. I’m hurt. Whenever I go on, I’m so scared and hurt and alone, but no one ever notices! No one. After all, I’m the optimistic me. How could I ever be sad? Ever have problems? I do my best to help them, help them through their problems, yet I don’t think they even notice mine. But they’ll never know. They’ll never read this. Why bother? Why bother read my journal about philosophy and happiness and joy at every corner? 

I don’t feel safe anymore. 

No matter what I do, someone is going to get hurt.

And most of the time?

It’s me.

3rd song on Playlist: “Lightning” ft. John Rzeznik by Cash Cash

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