Effing holidays

Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever really looked forward to a holiday (besides Halloween even though it’s not technically considered a national holiday).  I’ve always either had to work or had no plans.  Like today.  Well, I’m not working today in which I am grateful because I work in retail and while I don’t have to deal directly with customers (thankfully) I still have to be around the whole lot of them.  I work in the mall so it gets CROWDED.  I just came off a 5 day work bender and it seems people have taken the whole entire week off for Memorial Day weekend.  I saw plenty of boats, camping gear, and bikes no doubt going someplace fun.  So I have the next two days off and I’m really not doing anything.  Today I’m just pretty much retreating in my room to relax from the work week and tomorrow the boyfriend will be here and we’ll try to do something outdoors.  Not sure what, just like always.  In other news I have received official word from the court that I will have to do 4 days in jail on July 14th.  Then I will have some community service/house arrest and an 18 month alcohol class.  I’m bleeding money right now.  All in all this fun consequence has/is going to cost me $10,000 and some change.  Actually a lot more if you count the new car I’m going to have to buy.  Even though it’s a dark thought, sometimes I wish I would have died in that car crash.  They say stuff like this is supposed to make you stronger but I just feel like I won’t ever come back from this.  I’m just not in a very good place right now and it’s not like I was in a great place before all this.  I’ve kind of been a zombie, just going through life and not really in the present.  Sure, there are moments here and there when I feel “alive” but most of the time I’m just zoned out.  Maybe it’s a defensive mechanism or hell, maybe it’s the medication I’m on but I’m just going through the motions of being human.  Most of the time I’m exhausted just from trying to act normal like I’m not a depressed, beat down shell of a person. 

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