I’d like to start of by saying I am incredibly lucky, I have loved and been loved in the past and am presently in an amazing, long term and stable relationship with someone I love and trust fully. However, I would also like to say that despite feeling this way, I will always hold a certain time of my life (and the person I shared it with) in a place in my heart and that despite this happening over three years ago now, it still hurts deep inside me to remember even the smallest part of it all.
I think some people would say that this was my first love… Sometimes I am inclined to agree and sometimes I would disagree (as the accompanying photo to this post illustrates). I can remember so many details about the tiniest, most insignificant things and, surprisingly, often it’s the small things I recall that hurt the most not that they no longer happen (and will never happen again). I often think about the evening walks that we regularly did, we never walked very far as we’d end up kissing in a field or sitting in the empty roads laughing hysterically at each other, I guess we didn’t need to walk far as we didn’t need distractions from each other, we just wanted to be in each other’s company. One moment on one of our many walks sticks particularly in my mind, where I was sitting on a wall just watching this person and I remember the overwhelming feeling of affection for them, and the feelings of happiness and joy that rushed over me just being in this person’s presence. It’s moments like these were I understand the pain people talk about experiencing when their hearts have been broken.
When I remember the hurt I felt when this person left my life for good, I would argue that the void they left both in my heart, and in my life, changed me forever. I went through some awful times during our relationship, there’s no denying that, sometimes totally unrelated to our relationship and sometimes caused solely by us, and I will never let myself look back at our relationship with rose-tinted glasses and forget those hard times as those moments showed me not only that no relationship is perfect, and also how far from normal and healthy our relationship had become by the time we parted ways. I believe that that relationship aided me hugely in bettering myself as a person. If anyone had told me two years ago that I’d be where I am now, I wouldn’t have believed them. Obviously I have many different factors that helped me become the person I am today, including intensive therapy and an incredibly supportive group of friends and family, however I do believe that thanks to that past relationship, I now have the ability to look in the mirror and accept who I am – not love who I am (I’m not there yet!) – but I now accept who I am, and know that I am loved by an incredible man who loves every little quirk about me and who treats me the way I should be treated. I believe that the searing, heart-wrenching pain of losing someone who was my support, my confidant, my whole world for a year, changed me and taught me how to love myself and let myself be loved by someone else – someone amazing.