Today was the first day of going back since i found out one of my closest friends committed suicide. I keep expecting to turn around and see her. I keep expecting for her to come running to the hall and jump on top of me. I keep expecting her to come sit by me at the lunch table. For her to text me back, snap me back. Anything, i just miss her so much. Its only been 2 days and i cant even function. A life without her isn’t a life worth living. Not only does school suck but life sucks. Those dark moments when i want to stop myself to the thoughts of killing myself and i want to stop those thoughts completely and get them out of my head, i just want to cut and i cant even do that anymore, my mom she found all my blades. Life is so hard. and yeah i get that life is supposed to be hard, but i don’t know why God made it this hard. I’m so tired of fighting, i’m so tired of trying, i’m so tired of breathing. Im so tired of living. i’m ready to give it all up. I don’t want to be alive anymore. Everyone is telling me that they support me and will always be there for me and that they have my best interests at heart, but all they ever do is leave because all i am is a burden. Thats all i will ever be. And i’m so tired of being happy for them and putting on a fake smile for them or being “strong” for them. Im so tired of putting up my walls because i have nobody to talk to about my problems because i’m so busy trying to help other people. Every night for the past 4 years i have fallen asleep crying because i’m holding on by a thread, i’m holding on to every last thread of hope i have.