Foolish and Weak

Here’s a little background of my story. Almost three months ago, we found out that my father was having an affair. He is the kind of man who has to be comforted even if he is the guilty party, he’s like a child that way. It is probably because of this that my mother hasn’t been able to properly “grieve” the destruction of her marriage. Because she was too busy taking care and defending herself against the wreck that my father was and still is to this day. She hasn’t been able to properly process the pain that she is feeling and speak out against my father because being the egoistic and prideful person that he is, although at fault, he is still the one who keeps criticizing my mother. As if it was her fault that he strayed! He denies this of course, saying that he cheated simply because he was tempted. My mother can’t say anything because my father always, always, goes into these shouting episodes and makes her out to be the one at fault and after that, says he’s sorry and that he didn’t mean what he said. Moving on, it is because of this that my mother vents everything she feels to me, her eldest daughter.

I know that I have to be strong for my mother, listen to her and comfort her. I understand that even after 3 months everything is still left hanging because she hasn’t been able to say all that she wants to say to the other woman face to face. My mother is a very confrontational person and doesn’t mind speaking her mind at all. But sometimes I get so tired listening to her criticizing my father, getting into paranoid episodes about the other woman seeing my father again and everything. I know my father’s faults and I really, honestly dislike the man that he is right now. My mother has walked through fire for him and he pays her back by cheating on her. Sometimes I even feel like I hate him for destroying what we had as a family. It has changed how I see him and how I act around him. My mother keeps saying that he is still our father and whatever problems they have does not affect how he loves us. But everytime she vents to me about the awful things that he has been doing to her, I feel like I’m so close to hating him and I don’t want to feel like that because he is still my father. Things have been awkward between us because I have a front seat view of the things he has been doing and I can’t act like everything’s okay because if he was not my father, I would actually say that I hate him.

Another reason why I dislike listening to my mother vent about my father is that I definitely get caught up in what she feels and react accordingly as well. This is very tiring because there are days when she says that she still loves my father and she still wants to work it out but then there are also days when she says that she’s so tired of everything and wants to try separation so that my father could actually think about what he wants. I feel like I’m in an emotional roller coaster, dependent upon how my mother feels and what she says at the moment. Once, she suddenly got extremely paranoid and had this hare brained idea that the other woman might be contacting my father again, in response to that I got so paranoid as well that I ended up calling the other woman’s boyfriend (yes, she’s a two timing hussy home wrecker) to check whether she really went to see my father or not. OBVIOUSLY, SHE DID NOT and because it was actually mother who convinced me to call the boyfriend, and stupidly I agreed, I FELT VERY FOLISH. I felt very weak minded because I react very emotionally to every paranoid idea my mother has while she just recovers like nothing happened and easily shrugs it off. Aside from that, my mother frequently says that I am very much like my father in that I also have very explosive moods. I RESENT THIS VERY MUCH because everything that I have been feeling has been a reaction to what she has been venting on me, including all the paranoias! I consider my father to be a very weak person because of his habit of blaming my mother for his faults and being severely prideful about it. And now here I am, finding myself just as weak because I am easily carried away by whatever my mother is feeling about my father at the moment.

I know whatever I’m feeling is nothing compared to how my mother feels. I know that I have to be strong for her, listen to her thoughts and support her in everything because she can’t depend on my father. But I’m really tired. I feel so ashamed because there are times when I get so distressed about whatever it is she is sharing that she ends up comforting me instead. I feel weak because she keeps saying that among my siblings I am the one who is most like my father when it comes to moods and I keep proving her right when I get so angry about whatever it is she is sharing. When I’m angry, I forget that he is a wonderful father to us and just think of him as the man who betrayed my mother. I feel foolish and weak minded because honestly, I sometimes feel like my mother is unknowingly brainwashing me against my father and he’s really not helping things because he hasn’t done anything to make up for what he has done. I have to remind myself that although he is a lousy husband, he is still a good father to us. God, I’m so tired.

This rambling is over. GoodNight Self.

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