The fact that I am not the only one, is somewhat comforting, but saddening. Because nobody should feel this way. I haven’t written in a while. I got grounded, again ha ha. And I felt dumb and stupid for doing so. I am stupid for doing stuff. I could’ve made things right. But once you do it, you can’t go back from it. You have to move on, but not forget, so you can be wiser. This friend online, Daniel, he listened. And it was nice because it was the first time I had a conversation about rude costumers in Papa Johns and not about sexual innuendos. I miss that. Being able to just talk. About everyday things not about desires. My parents found out that I created a Snapchat account again. And they found out about this blog. They told me that if I was honest and I told them sooner, we would still be talking.
I try to shut everyone out. Again. I am not able to cry, because I got used to shutting down everything. By everything, I mean everything. People. Feelings. I don’t even want to talk to my parents. I can barely sleep, my job consumes me. I can’t remember the last time I had a good sleep, or sat down to just relax.
Last night, or early this morning, I woke up from a nightmare. There was so much blood and screams. And guns. And my brother and my dad. Flashes of people being killed by creatures. I hated it. I woke up panting, turned on the lights. And lied there in my bed staring at the wall. I couldn’t close my eyes. I couldn’t. My brother woke up and he told me to turn them off or to go to my parents’ room. So I did. I turned off the lights and went to my parents’ room. I checked the digital clock and it was 2:57 am. I couldn’t sleep well since then.
But enough of my sad story, there has been positive things this week. It rained. A lot. And I love when it rains. It gives me a rush of ecstasy and I just want to curl up into a ball under my sheets and eat cookie dough ice cream. My manager also told me that as soon as I turn 18, I will become manager at Chuck E. Cheese. Now I GET FREE FOOD BECAUSE I ADVANCED INTO ANOTHER POSITION. Which is great if you tell me. I also am becoming obsessed with the TV series Blacklist. SOOO GOOD OH MY GOD. And that’s pretty much it. Oh, and I hosted a party last Saturday of the most humblest people on Earth. I really didn’t care about the tip. Just them being nice was enough. Hm.. I guess that’s it.
There’s this thing though. My relationship with God. I read blogs from this Christian kid and I take a look at myself and think “Man, what happened?”
I used to be so confident about loving God. Now, I barely go to church and I can’t of the last time I prayed or picked up the bible from my desk. It sucks. Because in church people look at you and say stuff like Oh you’re so lost, Oh don’t give me the “I am busy working.” Then tell me, how can I be at a place of peace, in peace, with people judging you. I need God right now. I miss being able to talk to him. Now, I am lost. And I lost faith. Because I asked for so much and I ended up disappointed.
In wavelengths by Gem Club