My Deepest Darkest Secrets (not really heh)

Secrets are actually so fun. They energise me a lot, yet drain me a lot too. I think having a phone has largely contributed to my secret-keeping. But I guess I need to let them out once in a while before they consume me.

Some years ago, after a terrible and sombre practice, I created an email account to send anonymous encouragements to my juniors. It had been their first ever auditions, and many of them had been kicked out from the performing choir for that weekend’s concert. The mood had been sad and tensed, and I’d just felt awful for all of them. I did not have the courage to send them an email just like that, so I created another account. I was so secretive I even bcc-ed them all. To my surprise, that encouragement bcc-ed email got numerous replies, and that thanks and appreciation made me feel so happy and content that I did another one after that. I wish I had continued on more though. It was such a nice experience that I’ll definitely remember for life.

Some time before that, I started penpalling online. It was a secret because, well to my parents, the internet was a scary place where pedophiles and perverts lurked. I mean, obviously there are some people like that, but the innocent me wanting to experience the thrill of talking to foreign kids just couldn’t help it. Till this day I don’t know the people I’ve talked to, but what harm can a bunch of uncontrollable emotions from a schoolgirl do? Maybe manipulation through connecting with me emotionally? But it wasn’t as if I had money to send them predators or I’d fly to those countries and meet them. Anyway many died off probably because of my long (almost) daily emails that spanned an average of 3 or 4 phone pages (not large fonts either). But to be honest, I’ve actually considered meeting some of the many people I’ve chatted with. When we were older maybe, and we could travel on our own maybe.

Before the midterms one year, I remember doing this level-wide or two-level-wide encouragement thing with a few of my friends, which eventually became more friends because they found out about it. We bought sweets and left one (such a pitiful meagre amount) on each table in the classrooms, which had already been arranged in exam formation. We then scribbled a message on the whiteboard and left everything till the students came back the next day to see everything. Before the final exams that year, I even got more ambitious and wanted to write the names of every single person in every class, in their register order, since that is how we sat for exams. Indeed I tried to get some friends, but really, it wasn’t that great an experience and through that, I learnt that if you want something done, you should do it yourself.

Crushes. They have been a secret from the beginning of time. I wonder when this will change. Maybe soon? Maybe not? Why is it that I’m not like one of those giggly teenage girls who push and shove at a friend when their crush walks past? Well, I’m just not into that type of thing and if I ever tell anyone, it’s just to rid myself of some of the burden of carrying a secret. Not so that she can help me announce it to the whole world. Maybe that’s my fear that’s hindering me from telling anyone. Afterall, secrets are such a thrill that everyone wants a part of it, and before you know it ¬†everything has spread like wildfire.

In a way, this blog/journal thing is another secret. I haven’t told any of my friends or family (or have not found a need/want to). I guess it’s good because I can just say whatever I want and not worry about the consequences it has when others read it. That’s the nice thing about the internet, isn’t it? The internet is like my shield and cover and security blanket. And such irony when that shouldn’t be the case. I guess the internet is just a huge space and for everything that’s bad, there’s something good too. My life is just so full of secrets and I can’t imagine life without any.

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