Confused

I keep trying to be positive and tell myself that my life could be worse, that there are people out there worse off then I. That thought process works only for so long. Sometimes, you just need to make a decision to change what is going wrong in your life.

I am 30 years old and I live with my mom and her boyfriend. To most this is not a huge issue while for some others this is looked down upon. This day in age its all about survival…. doing what you need to do to make life best for yourself. 

It would be different if I was happy. I wish I liked her boyfriend much but in reality if I am honest I don’t. Ever since I have moved back from Texas he has been at my throat about one thing or another. He just does not understand the relationship my mom and I have. 

My mom and her boyfriend fight a lot. Not like a ‘normal’ couple fight. There is always yelling and screaming and I can not handle this anymore. Twice the cops have been called. Since I have been back home he has ruined Thanksgiving, New Years Eve, and Mother’s Day due to him causing an argument. 

He has called me out on many things that do that have anything to do with him and her. He has called me out of my sexuality – that right there is one of the things that hurt the most. 

I am at a place where I want to move. My friend Larry stated I could move in with him since he has a 3 bedroom house to himself. Of course I would help pay the bills just like I do here.

I want to move so bad. Unfortunately, its bad timing. My mom just had a surgery today. So, I want to stay here until she is back on her feet in case the fight and he leaves or she kicks him out. 

Also, he brought to my attention that she is mad that I want to move out. I do not understand why she is mad? I am 30 years old and want to get out there again. They feel like I have is so good here – I pay no rent and I have a roof over my head. Unfortunately, they are seeing it from every aspect. There are the emotional and mental places involved that I need to have peace in for me to live a happy healthy lifestyle.

My moms other go to things is “what does Kris think about this?”. Well, he is fine with it. He knows that Larry and I are just friends. Larry and I have already had this conversation. He will make sure Kris feels comfortable in his home as well. Larry sees how happy Kris makes me and would never do anything for me jeopardize that. 

I want to move. I just do not want it to hurt the relationship I have with mom anymore then its already strained. I deserve to be happy, everyone does. 

Kris is the one happy/bright/amazing spot in my life right now. I am not religious however I pray all the time that he continues to stay in love with me and wants to stay with me forever. The sheer thought of him sends me into overdrive. I could not ask for a better man to call my boyfriend. 

I need to work on getting upset so easily as well as practice what I preach about picking my battles. I thought I ruined this past Friday night and Monday due to be me being stupid. I need to learn how to let things brush off my shoulders and just focus on the big things that anger me. Honestly, I have never been angry enough with him to even question me wanting to be with him. He is the one I want, the man I want to hopefully share forever with. I look forward to taking each day with him and making it better then the last. I look forward to falling in love with him over and over.

I know I have said it before and I will say it again. There is something between Kris and I that just feels right – feels like I have known him for a long time. Something I like about him is when I want to talk about something he actually does. Also, when he needs to talk about something he sits me down and talks – he does not act cold, distant, or anything like that. 

2 thoughts on “Confused”

  1. Kris sounds wonderful. I’m happy for you that you have him. It is not wrong for you to want to get out of the toxic environment at your mom’s house. You can still visit her often, maybe when her boyfriend is not there. You don’t need all that drama, honey. You deserve better. Yes, stay with mom while she recuperates from surgery if she needs you, then move on. But keep the loving relationship with her alive, and don’t forget to tell her you love her. Best wishes!

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