Tumblr is down.
What am I going to do with my life now that Tumblr is down.
I know it’s blocked in China simply because of that security hacking thing that happened a little while ago. I can’t use it at all, and…
I’m going crazy.
I mean like, I don’t even have a Tumblr, and yet I’m feeling all uncomfortable now because I still used to spend hours just scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, down down down into the pit of never-ending poor jokes and unfairness and fandom life. I would just check the same tags over and over again–Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Paramore, Danisnotonfire. And, sometimes, some things like “poetry”, “writing prompts” and “animals”. It just kind of turned into a routine, a habit, to just fire up the computer and open Tumblr and scroll a little lower every few minutes.
Which…you know…is kind of pathetic…but whatever.
And it’s making my really upset to think about all the snippets of pop culture that I’m not able to absorb now. Memes. Dumb jokes. Astrology stuff. Rants. I’m missing it, I miss it, I just want to have the comfort of mindlessly immersing myself into “youth culture”.
Also, I’m just generally feeling really depressed, because it’s June already, only two more months until I move to another place, three months before I enroll in school–and I’ve been reading a lot of depressing stories/fanfiction on the internet now, and it’s making me lose my faith in the universe. You could just tell me not to read such sad stories, but not reading about them doesn’t mean similar things won’t happen, or haven’t happened before.
I’m feeling all existential. I wrote a long, long rant in my diary the other day at two in the morning, because I couldn’t sleep, I was just rolling around on my bed listening to an invisible mosquito whine in my room, and feeling like my head was going to explode and splatter my brains on the walls. I had just finished an obscenely sad story–a thirty-six chapter fanfiction–in just two days, and I was shaking from the pain inside. It was one of those stories that makes your heart flutter and your head spin and the air thicken. It just makes me sad that horrible things, crimes, people, exist in the world. It makes me feel hopeless to think about all of that stuff because I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it. I don’t want the world to have to be like this, I don’t want people to exist and harm other people. I wish it would stop. I wish it would stop.
I wish I could stop the world. Stop the Earth from spinning. So nothing, nothing bad, nothing horrible, could happen anymore. So no one would have to get hurt anymore.
I am almost completely sure I have clinical depression. Why else would I be struck with all these bouts of extreme feeling? I wake up every day intending to have a good time and honestly I just end up feeling so attacked. I can’t understand why terrible people are the way they are, I can’t. It makes my head hurt to think of how twisted someone has to be to kill, rape, torture. It makes me feel like doing something destructive, like smashing a window, or just throwing my phone to the ground and reducing it to a pile of wires and parts. It makes me unstable.
And it’s raining. It’s raining TOO MUCH, and I HATE IT. I hate the rain. I hate the way it’s all gray and wet, always wet, always wet. It feels like the wetness is touching me, pushing in on everything and making everything smell like damp and mold.
I might be depressed because of the rain.
But mostly I just feel terrible because of the state of the world.
I just wanted to write here. I’m running out of space in my diary and I have yet to buy a new one.
I thought writing was supposed to make you feel better, but sometimes, I think all my writing does is make other people depressed, and release that much more negativity into the world. I think I should stop. I think maybe I should stop trying to put words out there. I think maybe I should stop trying to speak about this, about it all. I think maybe I’ve become one of those people you see, that make you feel down–the kind of person who makes you depressed just by looking at them.
I think I should stop.