The beginning

As I look back at my life, I know it was not perfect. I had it rough, I fought, I struggled, cried and so much more. When I look back to see if I did something wrong along the way I think, heck yeah so much. I have always been a chubby girl as far back as I can remember. When I was in high school my mom put me on a low carb diet resulting in you guessed it. Crazy weight loss, I went from being that fat, funny girl. To being the skinny shy girl. Getting attention from boys was so new to me that I didn’t know how to act. I made bad decisions and got pregnant at 16. For my journal sake we will call the father Jose. (Yep, I’m Hispanic). Jose and I married after pressure from my father. That I stick with to this day as the worse mistake of my life. We were married from the time I was 16 to 22. During what I call my prison sentence he cheated, ignored, didn’t work, did drugs, neglected our son. The list goes on. As if raising a child was not hard enough. During my senior year in high school I went to school from 7:30 am to 12:30 pm then worked full time from 5pm to 1am. What they can’t make high school students work that late, they can of you tell them to and technically when you are married you are emancipated so that was my schedule. The husband didn’t work giving excuse he wanted to focus on school his last year. However we had a little boy that needed diapers and formula so I had to do it. Living with my mom was hard as she did not like Jose. As if a marriage and kids is not hard enough but when you have family that don’t like a person and their opinions are always given that will add fuel to the fire right? During the marriage it was hard, to balance life, school, work, and still technically handle teenage mood swings and feelings and emotions. I look back and think wow how dumb was I to think I was in love. That in love with someone to involve a child. So in a nut shel marriage was bad- life was bad.Why didn’t I leave? I think it’s because my change from fat me to skinny me was so fast that I never had time to build my self esteem and thus was scared. I had a very low self esteem and was scared of being a single mom. Nevertheless the breaking point was having my 5 year old son witness him throw me down a flight of stairs. Makes me sad that I was that low that I allowed it to get that bad. However I did put my foot down. Kicked him out and started on my own. That is when the craziness and self destruction began. 

3 thoughts on “The beginning”

  1. I am afraid to get married. No divorce in my country. Divorce is not that Bad I think. But the religious leaders in my country controls the government so much, that they do not allow divorce…

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