I’ve always thought I was aware of the difference between healthy and not-healthy relationships, but when the relationship is yours, it makes it a little more difficult to decipher.
We are fine, I tell myself every day. We are better then we were when we first started dating…also words I repeat to myself and everyone around me. And those statements are nothing but truth. But when the storm comes, the storm comes stronger then ever and I immediately get scared. I remember the last time the storm hit and you walked away. And you put your hands on me. And I heard goodbye and the anger was not just in the words you screamed at me, each one belittling and cutting me deep. But the anger I saw in your eyes was a fire that hated every fiber of my being, every fiber that desires and loves you. But those words spew off of your tongue lie the waves in the ocean…easily and naturally. And it’s not just that the words hurt me, because I can handle the pain, but I get scared of him. I get scared that one day his anger will far surpass words and yelling and throwing things, but the anger will turn to me.
I sit there trembling, trying to watch the words that come out of my mouth. Trying to guard me possibly hurting him. But why? Why should I worry when his words flow out so easily. “You’re annoying. This is why I left you in the first place,” he screams as he throws the remote across the room. “Go cry to someone who cares…” and thats the thing, shouldn’t he care as I sit there sobbing because of his words. “You’re my forever…” he says as I start to walk away, but this is not what I want my forever to be like.
Your words cut deep, but more than anything that anger that is painted on your eyes terrifies me. I’m sorry I can’t be enough to fill the anger.