maybe things will get better

I’m bipolar and ADHD and I can take all my medication and be fat and tired or I can quit taking my anti-psychotics and my SSRI’s and be thinner. I choose the latter. If I’m going to be depressed anyway I minds as well look better. My boyfriend keeps calling me fat. He’s triggered a major depression in me.

I know my house will fall apart again and I’ll be crazy but it’s worth it.

I don’t like people – more accurately they don’t like me and I’m awkward around them. So I avoid them. I have a nine year old daughter and a boyfriend and it seems they are the only people who I am comfortable around.

I walked though a neighborhood fair today to deposit money in the bank and I was so uncomfortable. I just wanted to get out of there. My plan was to buy a burger, pop and poutine from a food truck but my anxiety around the strangers would not let me.

I’m waiting to see a psychiatrist again but I still have to wait for that phone call. I think I waited 6 months last time for one.

I don’t work so I can afford to be crazy without pills for a little while and I will still be taking my Wellbutrin and Concerta. 

I have to try my hardest to keep a cleaning house routine and spend some time on web design, hopefully an hour per day, get my daughter to school on time by waking her up and sending her on her way. I don’t drive anymore. The rest of my life I can spend in bed watching netflix and gaia films. I should avoid people at all costs because if it is this awkward on medication I can imagine how bad it will be off medication.

Ok, I’m going to go now. Not that I have anything important to do. My life is a meaningless waste of time and space.

You might say my daughter is my purpose but really I’m a shit mom too.

goodbye for now,

Lifeless

 

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