despair

A Lot Like Drowning

I am not sure how much longer I can keep my head above water. The weight of this ever growing pressure is bringing me farther away from the surface. I can still see the beach, I see you there, maybe you could throw me a life raft, that might help.I am so scared of losing everything. But seeing you on that beach, as you walk away from me is the scariest. And I suppose it does not matter, I keep trending water, and I will never get back to the place I was before. Please look this way, I think I am drifting further out. What will I do, when I am so far gone, that no one will be able to save me. I don’t know what to say to you, or how to even begin to tell you how NOT ok I am. Would it even matter to you? I wonder about that a lot more now. Now that I know where I have always stood in your life. Its not anywhere as close to where you stood in mine. How naïve I feel. So very stupid, because I knew and yet I continued to look the other way. I still feel like I should continue to be ignorant just to allow myself some more time to come to terms with this. And in this regard, I am drowning, and you still don’t look back. I can feel the water breeching my mouth, and sliding down my throat. I try to call for help, but opening my mouth only allows more and more water in. Can you hear me? If you don’t give a damn, could you at least get someone who might. I am trying, I am fighting…but if you won’t even look this way. Maybe I shouldn’t try to fight it anymore, I should allow myself to drown, right into the dark cold depths. Will you cry for me? I doubt it, because I can’t even cry for myself anymore. I put myself here, I remember. I don’t see the beach anymore, and I don’t see you. And now I don’t see the point. Its all over, I won’t be able to keep my head up much longer, I feel like it should never have come this far, I should never have been out this far. I am alone out here, and I am growing tired, I can’t stand the salt of this water anymore. My arms feel so weak, and my heart feels so numb. Your nothing but a speck now, I am all alone, in the vast ocean. I can’t keep this up much longer, I think I will rest my limbs. Gravity will do the rest.

2 thoughts on “A Lot Like Drowning”

  1. It may or may not matter to the person you want it to, and I don’t know your situation. I hope it might help to know that someone is cheering for you from the sidelines, and if you need someone to listen, there’s always someone — even if it’s just a stranger on a computer.

  2. I hear your broken-heartedness and your feeling like giving up. But don’t give up! The right guy will come along. I don’t know if you have religious beliefs, but Peter was way out in the sea when he tried to walk to Jesus on stormy water. He saw the huge waves and got scared and started sinking. The Bible says, “IMMEDIATELY, Jesus stretched out His arm and saved Peter. When they got back into the boat with the disciples, they all said,” Surely You ARE the Son of God!” And He is. And He can rescue you. If no one else cares, Jesus cares and has always cared, enough to die and rise again for you—-JUST for you. It’s the beautiful truth, dear girl. Get to know Him better, let Him save you. I care, too.

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