This particular blog is turning out to be sort of epic… the weird part is I actually left out chunks of the story and all the drama that had ensued because this was the life style I lived. Unwanted yes, but I was waiting for some sort of miracle to save me, some sort of divine intervention. On my stronger days I knew in the back of my head the only person who had any control in all this was me. I just couldn’t step up to the plate.
All the addictions caused overwhelming amounts of grief and shame to ravage me, breaking me down into a shell of my former self. I loved my children dearly, tried the best I could, but I knew, bottom line knew, it wasn’t enough. None of this was far to them. They deserved so much better.
I left off in my last entry at the point where I finally broke free of my coke addiction. It was a struggle and it took massive amounts of self restraint. At a family get-together I found myself looking down at a pile of coke and a line laid out on top of a dresser for me, despite my protests. With one stiff swipe of my arm I pushed the whole thing to the floor. “No. No more. Stop this. Get me out of here and away from this.” With that gesture, that one action was the beginning of a huge rift between me and my closest sibling. It couldn’t be helped. Sad as it is, I don’t regret it. I may not be able to save everyone around me, but I could save myself.
For a long while the Percocet habit seemed innocent enough. It kept me from worse things and since it was so commonly prescribed by doctors I was blissfully ignorant of the dangers. 2 or 3 pills a day, the money spent wasn’t eye gouging, my house was clean, and I was functioning. I couldn’t see the evil creeping up on me, breaking me, leaving me empty, stealing my soul.
The habit grew bigger and bigger. In the back of my head I screamed “this is wrong” a thousand times or more. Shame and guilt ate me alive. I had so much more potential than this. By the time I wanted to stop, I couldn’t. Too scared to get actual help, I hid my secret and fought it. Outside influences provided to be too much too handle.
In my biggest effort to get clean, I picked up my kids, and left it and everyone all behind, including The Man. It was the bottom, but I knew from the bottom I can only climb up.
The Man left without his family got his own help and got clean. I couldn’t be more proud. He chose his family over drugs. Away from all the pulled me under I was able to get & stay clean. I’ve realized it’s a huge process, but it’s so worth it.
So if you’re a recovering addict like me I have these tips:
Be careful of the company you keep
Don’t look back, the past will pull you under
Take it day by day til the weeks fly by
Don’t be nostalgic
Stay busy, very busy
Change your routine completely
So that’s it. Like I said I’ve left a bunch out. I’m not up for incriminating anyone I involved. My life is very good right now and I couldn’t be happier. I had to leave to save myself, but guess what? I’m worth it. My kids are worth it. My family is worth it.
I don’t wallow in misery anymore. I have guilt yes, so I live the best life I can to balance it out. No one is perfect, especially not me. So I needed to learn not to fixate on my mistakes and let them control me. Everything I’ve ever wanted was within my grasp, I just needed to realize I was strong enough. Guess what? I’m definitely that strong.