Honestly, When i made my first post yesterday, I didn’t think anyone would read it or even comment but a few of you commented really nice things and that made me happy. Thank you. Anyway let’s get on with what i am planning on writing today..
Today was something i wouldn’t want a repeat of.
I had two anxiety attacks today. The first one, i didn’t even know why i had it but the second time today it was because of the voices in my head. They told me i was worthless and that i should die because no one would care or even notice.
That’s what i think too. I mean if i did go, the world would still spin. The stars would still shine and the sun would still rise every morning. So what’s the difference? Sure i have my girlfriend but I’m only young and i doubt we’ll be together in some years time.
I’m not saying suicide is the answer, all i’m saying is that there won’t be a difference to the world.
My mum used to get angry when i didn’t eat the food she cooked. But it wasn’t my fault i felt fat and ugly. Now she gave up on cooking me food because i never ate it. I have to make my own food, which i barely do. I hardly eat because i want to be skinny. My girlfriend says i am skinny and beautiful but i don’t think i could ever believe her, or anyone who says that. I hate myself and how i am and how i look. It has gotten so bad over the years that now i can’t even look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears or without the voices putting me down.
All i ever wanted was to be perfect. To worth something. To be beautiful and believe it. But no matter how many times i try, nothing seems to work because i’m still ugly. I’m still depressed. I’m still not good enough and i’m still me.
And if you haven’t realized, i hate myself more than you could ever imagine.