I really struggle with loneliness. I know that I have a whole lot of people who love me and would bend over backwards to help me if I was in need, but there is still this seemingly insatiable loneliness in my heart. For a while, sometimes even now, I foolishly believe that a boyfriend or lover will fill this need. This is so far from the truth, and yet, I struggle with this thought almost constantly. I look to sex with random men in hopes of fulfillment. I look to pornography to help fantasize. I look to food to fill a void when I’m bored. I turn to all the wrong things.
I even abuse the right things. I have a few close, good friends. Well, two. I have a few more that are awkwardly in the gray area between friends and acquaintances. But I have two solid friendships – Lauryn and Mikle. Both so different, and they fulfill different needs, but I feel like I put too much pressure on Mikle – too much expectation. I also don’t communicate those ridiculous expectations with her so I end up resenting her for having a life outside of our friendship. The most recent example of this being her beginning a relationship with Travis. Granted, she didn’t go about juggling time very well, and I was disrespected in a great way, but even after we had worked all of that out, I still can’t help but feel jealous of the time she isn’t spending with me. If she is texting someone while we are together, I automatically assume that it is him, even when it most likely isn’t. She is her own person, and has a life outside of me. That’s part of why I love her. I am trying really hard to be a better friend – be more open and vulnerable, and ask her about her life outside of us. I don’t want her to feel like I am this isolated part that can’t intertwine with the other aspects of her life. I want to be included. I want her to know that I love her, all the parts of her, and I’m working hard to not be that jealous, insecure friend. But that shit is HARD.
Thinking about Mikle’s life outside of our friendship, among other things, made me realize how I’m not really my own person. I so heavily rely on the comfort of Mikle or Hannah or my mom to create this social barrier. I’ve placed myself inside this isolated bubble, and I’m facing the repercussions. So how do I become my own person? Why is it that I’ve lost or never found her?
I truly believe that my weight plays a HUGE role in this. I am so ashamed and embarrassed of how I look that I avoid doing the things I want to or going the places I want because I’m afraid of judgment or failure. I let my fear and anxiety dictate my life, and all it has brought me is loneliness. That is part of the reason I am so excited for this surgery. I feel like I’m starting to get my life back. I’m finally getting the chance to be just Kayle – no security blanket of other people, no gimmicks or hiding.
In an effort to start this season of change, I have decided to start attending a few different groups during the week. Celebrate Recovery is one. A nanny friend recommended it, and it is more of a Christ based support group for anyone who has hurts, habits, etc. they want/need to work on. I tried to go tonight and couldn’t find it, but I’ll be trying again next week. I felt less discouraged than I thought I would. I also got invited to GU, a youth group type setting for college students. I’m pretty nervous about going, but I know that is just the enemy, and I will be so proud of myself when I do go. So I’m going to put my big girl panties on and go. Twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery, right? 🙂
So here I go…I’m trudging forward, through the muck and mess to truly discover who I am, as a whole, on my own. I have a fantastic support system, but it is time I stop using them as a crutch, and learn to stand on my own two feet.