Two weeks

So I’m 2 weeks in on this diet, and I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons.. I’m doing it for a guy, who for the most part doesn’t know I’m alive. Well, he knows I’m alive, I’ve been to his house (only once, and it was the most awkward hour or so of my life!) and we texted once, but that’s it. Our kids are best friends. 

 I’m in my mid 30’s and I’ve never had a “real” relationship. I guess I’ve never actually been on a date. I have a kid tho, but her dad & I never actually “dated”. We would just hang out at my house. That should’ve been a red flag at the time. But I guess I just wanted the attention. I was young. He treated me like crap. He still does, on the rare occasions that I see him. I “dated” another guy, (hung out at his house only) who ended up stealing over $4000 and my car from me. The next guy, who I moved in with, was an alcoholic and was mentally and verbally abusive to me and my kid. 

II’ve been single for 4 years now. I don’t have the best track record, and I guess I’m just wondering what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want me? Is it cuz I have red hair? Freckles? Cuz I’m fat? Shy? Socially awkward?? I don’t know. I see girls who are a lot bigger than me with boyfriends, out at the movies, out to dinner, or just out shopping. And I wonder why I can’t have that too. Why them and not me??

I’m taking my life back one day at a time. Maybe I won’t achieve pure happiness by losing weight, maybe he won’t look at me once I get to a certain size, maybe I won’t get a “real” date, but it won’t be for lack of trying and effort on my part. I want to be thinner, but I also want to be healthy. I want to have more energy, run and play outside, participate in a 5k, whatever I want!

Until next time, goodnight journal. 

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