Getting Adopted

The story I’m about to share with you happened April of 2015, but since I just recently found this online Journal, I ‘m going to go ahead and tell you. When I was very young, my parents were divorced. I lived with my mom, and hated visitation with my dad because I was constantly told that he hated me. For a couple of years after my parents were divorced, he had nothing to do with my. My mom told me that he wanted nothing to do with me and my little brother. So once he had visitation rights, I hated it. And I eventually got the guts to tell him exactly how I felt, and how much I hated him. That’s when I found out, that he always wanted something to do with me. Those years that he wasn’t there, he was trying, but my mom wouldn’t let him have anything to do with us, and just told us lie after lie. So my dad finally got custody of us a couple of years ago, and my mom had visitation of me. So, their roles in my life basically reversed. Then, my mom and my step dad who I cared very dearly for split up. She had been cheating on him. She claims she left him because he wouldn’t get off of the drugs, but she lies so much that I can’t believe anything she claims to be true. Oh, something I didn’t mention, my mother has a very big drug problem. Even after everything that had happened up to this point, I still loved her to death. She is my mom, and people make mistakes, right? Those were my thoughts then, anyway. She got cleaned up and was able to pass a drug test. She lost the house, and moved in with my grandparents. There was this guy supposedly living in his truck, and she didn’t even know him but apparently she moved him in before she lost the house. They were together, of course. So when I visited my mom at my grandparents, he was there and I got to meet him for the first time. Imagine, not getting to see your mom for about 5  or 6 months, then getting to visit them for the first time. You expect to see your step dad, and instead you’re told that your mom and your step dad aren’t together and your mom has now moved some random guy in with her. I was so devastated. Then something happened. Between my little 10 year old brother, and this guy my mom was supposedly with. That’s when my dad and step mom ( who had custody of me) called the police, and we discovered that this guy my mom was with was a child molester.  She was given a decision in court, leave him and still get to see her kids, or stay with this guy and completely sign over her rights to her children. I just wanted to rub it in to that sick guy because I knew what decision she would make. I knew she wouldn’t give us up for that. I was happy, finally. And this just set me up for the shock and pain when she chose to sign over her kids to stay with that sick freak. I still feel the hurt from it Every. Single. Day. I don’t know if that was the beginning of my depression, self-hate, and borderline insomnia. I have no idea. But it seems from that day, nothing truly matters to me anymore. I was temporarily happy when my step mom adopted me, but the joy from that didn’t last very long. I miss my mother everyday, yet I hate her at the same time. Is that possible? I hate feeling this way….. 

2 thoughts on “Getting Adopted”

  1. We hate to admit that the people we love unconditionally have conditions. Expectations cause it all….the harder we try to not think of it, the more we get entangled in the loop. Try and engage yourself in something productive and devote your time in that….maybe music or coding or any sports but something. Things you just shared can’t be changed and so the minimum you engage yourself in it will benefit u more. Not to forget , TIME IS A POWERFUL HEALER. And my dear friend….depression is a dangerous loop, avoid it asap. I hope it helps.

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