number two

I’ve always had a problem with inconsistency and procrastination (my own). Especially when it came to schoolwork and writing. I’m good at writing, people have told me, but I just can’t ever seem to find the motivation to write. And if I do, it never lasts long. 

Take a story I started a while ago. It was going to be about two teen girls who seem different, but they realize how well they complement each other and they fall in love. Sounds great, right? I think so too. I did really well with it the first week or two, and I got the furthest I’ve ever gotten in writing a story (seven or so chapters, I think, which doesn’t seem all that impressive on the surface, but I usually abandon stories after the first two chapters). After I got to a certain point, I just… stopped. I lost all of my motivation for that story, and even though it pained me, I put it back into the drafts on the writing website it was posted on. I knew that it’d be cruel to begin a story and not update it when others read it. 

But maybe that’s the issue. Maybe I’m so focused on other people’s interpretations and expectations of my writing that I lose sight of what I’m writing about, or why I’m writing. All of my ideas seem like good ones until I get half a chapter into writing them and I scrap it. It’s so incredibly difficult because if I’m pressured by hypothetical expectations from other people, I shut down and I can’t write, but on the other side, if there are absolutely no expectations and I’m writing 100% for myself, I don’t write. It’s like I’m terrified of disappointing someone else, but I don’t even give myself the opportunity to do something safer because I just… don’t want to. 


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