What’s the point?

I’ve never been on this site, so I’m trying to figure it out. So, I guess the main reason that I’m here is to talk about myself anonymously, so no one knows its me, but people will know things about me, without knowing who exactly I am. But, even if you wanted to know that, I can’t answer who I am. Because I don’t even know. I’m so confused about everything. I don’t know why I’m here. What’s the point in me being on this earth, if I have absolutely no contributions for anyone or anything? All I do is make mistakes, and screw things up, and it just hurts. Constantly. People tell me that I don’t constantly make mistakes, but those people don’t even know me. Not really. How can they know me, and understand me, if I don’t even know or understand myself? Sometimes people find out that I’m really depressed. And I’ve seen many reactions from that. I remember when my best friend found out. He was always there for me, and he was the main thing keeping me from true insanity. He wasn’t suppose to find out, it was an accident. But when he did, he just gave me the strangest look, and then that look turned into one of disappointment and pity. Ever since that moment, he has never talked or acted the same when he’s around me. When he’s around his other friends and doesn’t know I’m walking in the halls behind him, he acts so happy and playful. But around me, he’s so somber and gloomy. And it hurts. And that’s not the only reaction I’ve seen. When I felt ready to tell another one of my friends, he freaked out, and just kept saying things like, “Why me?!” and “Why is it all of my friends?! Why are you all like this?!” And I just had to say, that really hurt coming from someone who knows so much about me that most don’t. Ever since that point, we’ve just been more and more distant. It’s like they’re scared of saying the wrong thing, or hurting me, but what they’re doing is hurting me worse than they could any other way. I’ve seen other bad reactions of people finding out about my depression and self-hate, but I’m not even going to describe those. People just keep telling me that I have so much in my life, but they just don’t know. They don’t know my thoughts, or how I feel, or how I smile and act like everything’s okay until I’m home in my room by myself. I cry myself to sleep a lot, but when I’m around others I just have to smile and laugh, because that’s what people expect and want. Not the real me, but the fake, constantly happy me. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Well, I hope any of you that read this don’t feel this way, and I hope everyone has a great day. Good-bye…..

2 thoughts on “What’s the point?”

  1. I’m sorry that the people you’ve told about your depression have reacted so unpleasantly. I’m sorry. But you’re wrong when you say that you make no contributions to the world, because every human being is brought to this world with the POTENTIAL to make contributions, and be useful, and kind, and good. People aren’t born saints, or born to change the world. They work for it, they strive to be better, to be strong. And that’s precisely what you do when you put on a happy face in front of other people. Just being able to get up every day, and do what other people expect you to do–which is be happy–is something strong, and brave. You’re stronger than you know, better than you think, and THAT is what you’re contributing to the world.
    And, no one expects you to know yourself when you’re young. You don’t have to know exactly who you are or what you’re going to do now–you have your life to figure that out. As Dan Howell says, Do whatever you have to do to be happy. Whether that’s learning, or trying to meet new people, or just writing–just pursue it, if it makes you feel better.
    I’m sorry for getting kind of off-topic…um…anyway, I was pretty affected by what you wrote, so I hope you don’t mind me emotionally vomiting and commenting on your entry in such a long-winded way…

  2. Thank you so much for everything you said PrettyInBlack. I almost started crying when I read the part about Dan Howell. I absolutely love his videos and Phil Lesters, they really help me out. Again, thanks, what you said really helps.

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