6/8/16

I feel as though everything is just falling apart. NOBODY understands. Not my family, not my friends, nobody. The only time I leave the house is to get massively fucked up. It’s all I want, it’s all i need. I’m drifting away from the only friends I have left, and it sucks. I mean, they go out to parties and drink and smoke but that’s NOTHING.

 

I feel like it’s all I want to talk about, too. My friends do use occasionally, but not me. I can barely control myself at once a week. I feel drawn to pop pills everyday. I’m not addicted yet, but i’m certain if I had a whole bottle i’d be popping them like candy. It scares me; I’ve never wanted anything SO much. I’ve always thought I had the genes to be an addict; my mom used to do coke frequently before I was born; and my dad did heroin. Even though they’re put together now, they’re total potheads.

 

But a huge part of me just DOESN’T CARE. Like, would it be the worst thing in the world to be a drug addict? See how fucked I am? Hahahhhahaha.. Because I’m not good at sports, I’m shy, I have zero skills. I am a virtual nothing in the face of society. So I don’t see the point in being good; in trying to achieve something. 

 

I’ve kind of accepted the fact that one day the pills might hurt me. And I won’t survive. But I’m at the point where I’d be happy with that. Cause I don’t really have anything worth fighting for. No bf, no REAL ASS FUCK friends, and my family life…. that’s a mess.

I’m a bad person. I’ve done a lot of bad things and I’m probably going to continue to do them.

My mom still has hope that i’ll change. She wants to “trust” me. But let’s get one thing straight: I will NEVER change. No facility, no rehab no what the fuck ever will change that. The pull is too strong.

And when I say “bad” I don’t mean smoking; I don’t mean sneaking out. There’s a long list of my ever lasting imperfections and mistakes. I’m talking drug addict behavior, as my mom calls it. Fuck, but I’m too damn paranoid to type it.

xoxo,

Celeste

2 thoughts on “6/8/16”

  1. Hi Celeste,

    I found your post heartbreaking but it also reminded me of when I was 17. I had no direction and was pushing social boundaries (Eg drug taking etc). I am now nearly 39 and a mum of three children and life can still be pretty crap at times. I promise you, you will find your way as I did. My advice is ditch the rubbish friends, Take up a hobby and meet like minded people of your age group. Then before you know it your life will seem rosier and back on track. A famous Scottish proverb “Be happy while you are living for you are along time dead” meaning make the most of your life sweetie, trust me it may not seem like it but there is always something to aim for. Big hugs x

  2. Hey Celeste,
    Do you know out of so many Journal pieces, I just read a few( time bound) but my point it…it caught my sight. So firstly, don’t u say that u don’t have any skills. You are fine at writing and if u try more of it, u will certainly be better. Otherwise also, u just haven’t bothered to find ur skills. Do it some day, u ll b glad u tried 🙂
    Coming to addiction, u r a to be drug addict but I am already a big time food addict. U may think its way different but its not. The feel good hormone which releases after drugs is d same which releases after food consumption. So in a way I am much worse.
    Further, friends are temporary my dear. I don’t mean to sound rude or anti social or anything but its true. School friends don’t last college, college friends don;t last job, job friends r there till u r at that job, after retirement its u again ….in some old people club maybe making new friends. We all need people to talk and hats what happens. No one but u will suffer if u get stressed. Coming to family, at least u know who ur mom and dad r, many don’t even know that. They made mistakes, leaarn from them ….don’t fit urself in the same loop. PLEASE DON’T.
    I am not a perfectionist myself. Rather, I get stressed easy, panic even more easily and stop working if I see failure near. But I am glad at 22 , I know my defects. I can change them and be better.
    Do u know, I don’t have a bf too…..I find its for the good….I mean I have enough job to do on myself, how will I keep someone happy f I am not happy myself. And if u r looking for some shoulder to cry on, buck up girl…Be enough for yourself.
    So, find ur interst…stop considering urself miserable and learn to fight. Our fight may be small or big but it will do us good and make us emerge as better people. Giving up is easy but holding on requires efforts. Be the change u r not.
    Good luck.

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