Today I’m going to talk about dissapointment. Pain. Loss. And how it affects you. Why is everyone so shocked I’ve turned into this person? What do you, just expect me to be okay after all that’s happened? Just to rise above the ashes and come out strong?
I’ve never been a very strong person; inside or out.
Everyone I ever trusted has let me down. Has destroyed me. For instance, my mother, who’s supposed to LOVE and CARE for me. She tried to have my friend arrested, read my phone, and real diary, which explains how I’m on here. She ABANDONED me at just 10. I wanted my mommy, but she didn’t want me. She did this whenever the fuck she wanted, too. She told me that I was being disrespectful and that I’d better be quiet before she turns me into a vegetable (that’s when your brain function is so low from overdosing or whatever that you can’t even speak or move). She told me she’d burn all my books cuz she was mad. Not to mention she wanted to put me in facility. A FACILITY. I need to be locked up?! That’s fuckin rich.
She’s an ex-convict, ex gang member. So tell me, what’s respectful about that?
My dad claims he wants to make things better…oh the irony. A month ago he started yelling at me and my sister and called us “FUCKING ASSHOLES and FUCKING PIECE OF SHITS” then i didn’t want to be scolded so I stayed in the bathroom. He tried to bang the door down so he could spank and hurt me but then my mom came so I guess he resorted to just breaking apart my bed and leaving it there.
Hahahhhaha, isn’t my life just GLORIOUS?
Let’s talk about my sisters, now. My older sister I adore. She’s amazing and perfect and treats me how a PERSON should be treated. She the only one in my family who lets me just sit and cry when I need to, and doesn’t hassle, scold or punish me. I’m eternally grateful for her. I don’t know what I would do without her.
Then there’s my younger sister. We’re the same age but not identical twins. How am i even going to start with this one? Nobody believes me, despite all the signs. To put simply: she’s a vindictive hurtful person who somehow manages to get everything she wants. No matter how hard or how many times she hits me. No matter what she does. No matter if she threatens me with death, if she actually shows me she’s serious.
There’s fighting..then there’s what happens between us. Everything is always my fault. She’s told me numerous times how I’M the problem. So what? Since the womb I just started fucking shit up? No, that’s not how it works. I do the wrong thing, then I get yelled at and I try to defend myself then shit turns physical. It makes me feel so low, and worthless. She’s better than me. And doesn’t hesistate to point it out.
The people I CALL mom and dad are never home to witness shit, but even if they did they’d NEVER stop her.
I always end up crying myself to sleep, and she always ends up with a triumphant smirk on her smug face as if to say, “I won.”After shit blows up, I can’t talk to anybody. I’m so destraught and torn up inside and just fucking so drained that i swear i’m DEAD. Then when it happens to her, everybody goes crazy. Even if SHE threatens ME. Even if all I do is refuse to give into her commands. I STILL get the blame. They’re so sympathetic towards her and give me the attitude of, “look what you did.” When I’m like that every fucking night of the week.
She can pull a knife on me. Shove me to the ground. Whip me. And it’s PERFECTLY okay.
And if she knows im fucking PISSED, she’ll challenge me. She’ll put her face right near mine, and say “do it. I fucking dare you. Hit me.” and she’ll be smiling with a stupid smirk. Cause she knows I won’t do that. UGHHHH!!