We Trust

I wonder what it feels like to believe in God.

I know I’ve said before that I’m not religious, but not an atheist, either. My family is not religious, never has been. When my mother first immigrated to the US, she was invited to church by some Christian volunteers, but she didn’t quite like the atmosphere and the fact that the volunteers were so pushy about her immediately becoming a Christian when she had never even thought about being one, so it didn’t work out–and my dad was busy with getting his degree so he never became a part of any church. And then, of course, my brother never had any thoughts about becoming a Christian, or a believer of any religion, and neither did my sister. There used to be a Presbyterian church near our home in Virginia, but I distinctly remember that people used to deal drugs in the church’s parking lot at night, which seemed kind of not…well…anyway…

I used to have a Korean-American friend named Isabella. She had the same last name as me–only pronounced in Korean, of course. She was a pretty devout Christian (I’m not sure which branch of Christianity she belonged to, I was a bit young to really know there was a big difference between any of them) and once, when we were having lunch in the cafeteria, we got to talking about the subject. She said she was a believer; I said I was not (because when I was between the ages of eight and eleven I considered myself an atheist). She got huffy at me then and spent the rest of the lunch period trying to convince me to become a Christian, or I wouldn’t go to heaven when I died. I also think she told me I’d go to hell if I didn’t become a believer? But maybe not, I can’t remember what exactly we said. I just know she said it all in complete seriousness, and for a while, I honestly did wonder if I had to become a devout Christian so I wouldn’t have to suffer in hell.

We didn’t bring up the subject again, though, thankfully.

And now I’m thinking about the whole conversation again because I wonder what it feels like to believe something so strongly. I get depressed often, and it interests me to know that people who “have” a religion are, on the average, happier.

So I want to know how it feels to just…be so sure of God. I want to know how it feels to just be able to trust that He will guide you into doing the right thing. I feel sometimes that I’m losing control of myself, and it makes me panic, because I am terrified of somehow steering myself into the wrong path–and it affects me when people I talk to online can just tell me that they know God will do what is best for me. Tell me that, like they know it. And maybe they do know. Maybe I’m the one who’s lost. Maybe it would be better if I believed in God or in Allah or in Buddha or in any number of those deities. Maybe my life would start making more sense. Maybe I would feel more in control if I only knew how to start praying and believing.

Because I don’t know how. Every time I feel like I should pray–and I feel like doing it often, because I worry about my sisters and my brother and the world in general, and I feel like maybe praying will keep everyone safe–I also feel that I’m being spectacularly fake. I feel like I’m just trying to, I don’t know, USE God or try to fool him into thinking that…that…I don’t know! If I don’t even consider myself an actual believer in Him, do I have the right to pray to Him and ask for His protection, even if I’m asking for the protection of other people? Doesn’t that make me some sort of pale-faced liar? The sort of person who only believes in God when they need help?

There’s a saying for that in China. 临时抱佛脚. It means “hugging the feet of Buddha just for the occasion”–so, basically, only begging for Buddha’s help or mercy when one needs it, and forgetting about him for the rest of the year.

I don’t know if this means I’m a sinner, or something. I just need help. Honestly, I think I need help. I’m kind of sick, or at least, some days–on my bad days–I feel like I am, because I have erratic mood swings and I’ve thought of suicide before (never acted on those thoughts, never succeeded in hurting myself, never told anyone or wanted to tell anyone), but it feels like a sign of weakness to actually see a doctor, because I don’t want to be sick. I don’t want to sit down in some office and have someone give me a test and then tell me that I really am sick and need help–or tell me that I’m not sick, I’m just being stupid and immature and emotional, and it’s all in my head and I’ll feel better once I get a good night’s sleep. I don’t want that, I don’t want either of them. I don’t want to be diagnosed with anything, not Depression, not Anxiety, not even Hormonal Teenager Instability Syndrome.

I just want someone–God, maybe–to tell me that this sadness means something. To give me some answers for the questions I’ve written over and over in my notebooks. Why do horrible things happen, why do horrible things happen, why do they happen. I just want to be able to believe that He will do what is right by everyone and that all the pain, all the suffering, all the sadness, means something. That we don’t just live in a world of those things because happiness needs contrast to exist. I just want to be able to trust implicitly in some higher order or law, something unshakable, something that is 100% Without a Doubt Sure to Be.

I want to be sure that In God We Trust is not something you simply say, but something you really believe.

I just want to know what it feels like to give up resistance, and just let yourself–and God–be. Just, exist. Exist with confidence, exist without fear. Exist with the knowledge that some Universal Law will set things right, in the end.

I would like to know how to say to God, without a sliver of doubt, or a trace of uncertainty:

I trust you. I trust you to do what is right and fair by every suffering victim, every weeping child, every hurting human, every war-torn country in the world. I trust you enough to accept the fate you plan for me. I trust that you will, somehow, let everything turn out to be justified in your Grand Scheme of Things.

I trust you.

4 thoughts on “We Trust”

  1. Hey, I don’t where to start after reading this, because although I am a believer and have been all my life, I am still not knowledgeable about a lot of things.
    I guess I should start by specifying my religion : I am Christian, protestant since I go to a baptist evangelique church, but usually we just go by “Christian”. I suppose I can go by step with what you wrote, but it might be all over the place, so bear with me :
    First off, after reading about what happened to your mother, it immediately triggered the knowing that everyone’s relationship with God is different. It’s very personal and people around you who are Christian should be guiding you and not throwing you into the deep end, so if you’re considering Christianity, I recommend finding someone that would guide you, answer your questions and not push you into something you’re not ready for.
    For the hell thing, my branch does not believe in hell, although at some point in history of the Bible there was (I think there is no hell… from what I recall, I was told people simply just die and it’s over for them, or they go to heaven if they took God as their saviour. Probably savedbygrace is more knowledgeable on this topic). I know Catholics believe in this stage where you can ask people to pray for you to bring you to heaven or else you just die, but not us.
    Believing in God has definitely gave me more control in a more good moral sense (being kind to others, knowing what’s right and wrong) and has also helped me through a lot of rough patches, because I believe that even though there’s something that happens to me that I don’t like, it’s most likely what I need and I can trust God to make that decision. For example, I wanted to be in the advanced program for junior high, but I didn’t get in and went into the regular classes. Trust me, I’m glad I didn’t. If I did, so many things that happened to me now, such as meeting my best friend would have never happened. Believing would definitely help you, but you said you don’t know how (or I think that’s what you said? I don’t exactly know what you meant by the phrase since it was alone and didn’t seem to be connected to anything, so I’ll just assume it), I recommend maybe finding someone who is a Christian that can guide you (and not throw you into the deep end like I said before) and possibly bring you to church sometime.
    I don’t see the wrong in praying, even though you don’t believe. In a way, it actually shows you believe, maybe, I don’t know what goes in your mind, so I can’t really say, but praying is one of the best, if not the best way to connect with God in my opinion. Sometimes at night, I just feel like talking non-stop about whatever with Him, as if He was my best friend. Like I said before, everyone’s relationship with Him is different and mine is kinda that way; a best friend that will never leave your side, has the best advice to give you, will always forgive you for your mistakes and will always be there to comfort you.
    It’s fine not wanting to be diagnosed with anything. I would say something like “I understand”, but in reality, I can’t really relate. I wish I could so I can comfort you, but all I can say is being diagnosed with something, doesn’t mean your necessarily sick. I have minor social anxiety, or at least I believe I do and a psychologist said I did back in 6th grade after I thought I had depression, but it was really just me being sad about not being capable of socializing the way I wanted to, but I try to switch it into something positive, like I find it kinda cute to be shy and awkward sometimes, even though I cringe later on… It’s something you just have to accept and try not to let it bring you down.
    Actually, I think this sadness is what probably led you to Christianity in the first place. You might not believe that, but to me it looks like it and I find it pretty awesome if you ask me. Not that you being sad is a good thing—well, it is cause it’s bringing you to the religion—but I’m not wishing sadness upon you—you know what I mean, right?
    Although if you do believe in God, you still have to exist with fear. It’s something in human nature that you just can’t get rid of (until you go to heaven). I’m often scared where things lead, but while I am afraid, you have to trust Him. And for your “Universal Law” thing, not everything seems right in the end. Sometimes things just end up terrible, you feel like you lost everything, but in the end, you do see that because those things happened, new opportunities opened or you have avoided other possibly more terrible things that could have happened. I thought I’d just make you aware of that.
    The “I trust you” seems like a beautiful thing to say. Like I said, find someone in your community that can guide you and if you can’t, try going to a church on a Sunday. Not all churches are correct, however. Unfortunately, some of them are filled with lies, so I recommend having a Bible with you and if you feel like something isn’t right, try to find a passage on it. The Bible is what will tell you the truth.

    I hope things get better with you and that I cleared up some things. If you have any questions, be free to ask in our emails. I’m really open to anyone who wants to know about it, even though I’m not very knowledgeable myself.

    (PS : This looks a lot longer than I expected, sorry)

  2. Observant Bystander had very good things to say! And so did you in your journal entry. You sound like a Christian already. Yes, you can pray! God loves to hear from you, because He made you and knew you when you were still in the womb. I pray to Jesus a lot, all through the day as things come up. I am learning to really trust him. That was hard for me because I have anxiety disorder.
    God is real and He is loving and good—-all good. The Bible tells us that God is working all things together for good. Romans 8:28. You sound like you trust him a lot already! I think you are a Christian and just don’t know it because people have confused you. Yes, doesn’t it feel good to say, “I trust you, Lord Jesus.” “I love you, God.” To realize that you belong to Him like a bride and husband belong to each other. Only deeper. Don’t be afraid to press in to know Jesus better. He is eager to be close to you and take care of you all your life long.
    Praying is just talking to God, nothing complicated. However there is the Lord’s Prayer which Jesus gave us as an example: Our Father, which art in Heaven, hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory, forever, AMEN.” If you pray that prayer you will be praying as millions of believers world wide pray every single day.
    The Lutheran church believes there is a hell but no people will be in it, only demons and the devil who choose to be there and don’t want anything to do with God. This is called Universal Salvation, and Baptists do not believe it, but I believe God is so merciful and full of grace that he will bring anyone into Heaven who wants to be there, because Jesus died on the cross to make that possible. It’s all about Jesus.
    Try to get the movie Jesus of Nazareth and watch it. It will really bless you. I’m getting too long-winded here, but I just really want to encourage you that I hear a LOT of faith in you already. Just let it bloom, darling. God bless you.

  3. Thank you both, for your kindness and your patience in explaining your beliefs. Thank you for taking the time to add your own insights to my thoughts–it means a lot to me.

  4. Asalam O Alaikum!

    The word written above are greeting Muslims use. Yes I am a Muslim. “Asalam O Alaikum!” means “May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon you!”.

    I am a Muslim but I also have questions about my religion and Allah, but whenever I have a question I refer to Quran and the life of our Prophet, here is link to the English Translation of Quran.


    You asked if you had the right to pray. It is a question the Allah answers himself in the Quran. Quran is the word of Allah. It contains answers and guidance for all humanity.

    Quran also contains stories of the previous prophet told by Allah[God] himself. The story of Jesus, Prophet of Christens, the story of Moses who was the Prophet of Jews, story of Noah who built the ark, the story of Prophet who was blessed with a kingdom that no king had ever had before, the story of Prophet Yousaf who was betrayed by his own brothers, the story of a Prophet who was tailor, the story a Prophet who was a smith and mush more.

    We call God by the name “Allah” because it is a name he has chosen for himself.

    All the chapter of Quran have a name. Read whichever one you like.

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