Sometimes I look at people who have their whole lives planned out. College, marriage… But I’m not like that. Not anymore. Things just changed for me at 13. Now I look back and I KNOW this is how my life was supposed to be, as sad as it is. I’m the teenager kids tell their parents to stay away from.
I don’t understand people who have their friends and gf/bf, and are content with just that. I crave danger; dangerous situations and dangerous people. I’m not afraid of anything. No drug, no situation is too scary for me. If one of my friends asks to hang out, my immediate thought is, “will there be drugs? Are we going to break the law?” It’s JUST SO EXHILIRATING.
If I’m walking on a desolate street at 12 at night, I’m not scared some serial killer will come to rape and kill me. I kind of think that I’m missing a concious in that way. Like when my mom and I got into a fight when I was 14, she was yelling and told me to pack my bags. She drove me to the police station and basically wanted to give me up and put me in a home for troubled teens; even though i was not even that bad. I gave no fucks and I was like ALRIGHT LETS GO. Or when I was 16 (only a few months ago) she found my crushed painkillers and confronted me.
I felt like my entire world was crashing and burning and I thought there was no coming back from that. I thought for sure they’d have me arrested on possession charges and would give me over to the police. My only request was to go into the bathroom to change so I could look cute when the cops came. LOL. I don’t really have a sense of right and wrong like when you’re little.
Maybe I just sort of lost it?
Now I just couldn’t think of anything more miserable than being sober. I mean all around sober. Like, what do 100% sober people even do? Play twister? LOL. The idea of doing the traditional, straight edge kid stuff sounds suffocatingly awful to me. Because I think I’ve done so much that if I lose the dark, bad, alluring side of me…then what do I have? It’s who I am.
In the beginning, it was part because of the adrenaline rush I got when I did bad. Meeting up w/dealers, theft..etc. But then it became proving people wrong. Like, hey I’m not the girl you think I am. And they’re just like, “DAMN!” But now it’s much more than that. And I’ve only gotten worse.