I’m writing this entry not only for myself, but for all women who struggle with their weight, and to be understood. Last year I lost almost 25 lbs in a month and a half because I knew I was going to finally meet J (in March). That gave me something to want to work for. I was on a calorie diet and went to the gym every other night and it became a lifestyle for me for several months. Then, October came and I found out that the spot on my leg was melanoma and I had to have two minor surgeries on my thigh to have it removed. I was advised not to go to the gym for a few weeks because of the stitches and etc. That’s all it took for me to lose my luster. I’m not one of those people that has an addiction to eating or only eats junk. I don’t have a great diet anymore, partially because it’s hard to eat right when the rest of your house isn’t on board. I still like to eat fruits and vegetables but I LOVE bread and my calorie diet is out the window. I had to cancel my gym membership recently for financial reasons, so there’s that. After looking at pictures of myself from yesterday (and Lord I pray the camera really does add 10 pounds) and especially looking like that in front of the person I admire the most, I’ve GOT TO CHANGE. I finally was on the road to feeling good about myself this time last year and now I just weighed myself and I’ve gained back 14 of those 25 lbs in a little over a year. Not trying to make excuses, but also just found out my thyroid doesn’t work and I just got started a few weeks ago on medicine for that. So I’m hoping that will help some. I’m not a person that cares much about looks..mine or other people’s…that’s never been important to me… But I do get insecure about my weight when I look in the mirror or at pictures and think WHO ARE YOU? That’s not Kerri. I don’t know that reflection. I was 114 lbs in high school. I was a perfect size (to me) my whole life until I was about 24 years old. That’s when I had been in my first serious relationship for about a year at that point and had recently lost my dad and I just started gaining like crazy. Being short does not help, it makes my weight not spread out as proportionate as others. Since then I’ve went up and down losing 50 lbs and the gaining it back, lost 25 lbs and gained more than half of it back. J was my motivation before and I know that I need to be my own motivator this time and want it for myself but that’s so hard when you live in a constantly stressful environment or when you’re stuck in a life that you aren’t free in. But I need to try. I want to try. Because I don’t want to ever see this person in the mirror again. I’m not sure if I can do it…but something’s gotta give. I’ve felt sick since looking at those pictures of myself yesterday…this is why I don’t like full body pictures of myself. Not that I want to hide who I am, but maybe if I don’t see them, I’m still who I think of myself to be if that makes sense. And I don’t want to be 114 lbs again. My goal is just to feel comfortable in life again…to stop hiding….and maybe have a jawline again..I really miss my jawline and chin…I used to have cute one like Reese Witherspoon. Again, I 100% believe that the inside is what matters…that’s the part of a person that I fall in love with…but this isn’t as much for other people as it is for me. I don’t want any young ladies reading this thinking that this point of this is about how you look to others…it’s about being comfortable in your own skin (which I am NOT right now) and being your own motivator. I’m going to try to start with baby steps….and pray that I have the willpower to do this FOR ME.