Im not sure if this little story will be triggering for anyone but i need some venting.
I have struggled with depression since i was about 10… so its been about 5 years that i have been like this.
I self harm to… i cut myself and recently started to use cigarettes to burn myself with.
I tried to kill myself when i was 13… i downed a bottle of Midol because i had nothing else and cut as deep as i could a bunch until the pills kicked in. Then started uncontrollably started vomiting all over. It honestly felt like hours before i stopped. I just rested my head against the wall and waited and hoped to go… then i heard my mom. She knocked on the bathroom door and asked if i was ok. She said she heard me being sick. i didn’t have the strength to speak so i just mumbled a little.
Then she just walked in and seen me. The floor was cover in puke, my arms in blood, an empty pill bottle and a scribbled letter next to me. She knew what was happening. She woke my dad and they drove me to the ER and i was Given more Medication through 2 IVs in my arms that made me throw up even more… Then i stopped breathing so i was put on an oxygen mask.
3 days later i was taken to a ‘Mental Health Center’… A mental hospital. Great. There, i met some other kids who have attempted suicide. They were nice. They understood me. They understood what it was like to hurt so bad, that you overdose or slit your wrists or some other crazy dangerous thing. They didn’t judge me.
I stayed there for 6 days, then went home, got visits from CPS and had weakly trips to a therapist. I was put on Effexor, an antidepressant. They said it may even help with my social anxiety. It Didn’t. In fact, i feel it made things worse. It made me very angry and restless. It was hard to sleep. I hated going to school then even more than befor.
Now, here i am, 3 years later, 15, and ready to end my life again. Im clean from self harm for about a month but today was so hard… idk what i can handle anymore…